Teenager buys CD of wartime songs for 44-year-old aunt

A TEENAGER has bought her 44-year-old aunt a CD of ‘wartime favourites’, it has emerged.

Nikki Hollis, 15, chose the Christmas gift based on her confused view of history and the belief that anyone older than 26 is unfathomably ancient.

Hollis said: “Auntie Donna is an incredibly old woman who has been alive across two centuries, so she would definitely have been in World War Two and will love We’ll Meet Again: 35 Classic Wartime Hits.

“All her happy memories of bombs and Spitfires will come flooding back, and she’ll probably dance around her bedroom to The Lambeth Walk and Roll Out The Barrel.

“She hasn’t actually mentioned her wartime experiences before, but she was probably in charge of a tank. Maybe it was her that killed Hitler.”

Hollis’s aunt Donna Sheridan said: “I got divorced this year so I’m feeling emotionally vulnerable.  Another ‘age-specific’ gift like last year’s ‘special varicose vein slippers’ could tip me over into a full-scale meltdown.”

She added: “Christmas can be a nightmare if you are single and middle-aged, younger and unhappily married, or basically human in any way.”

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Far-right weirdo loses election in major shock to status quo

A POPULIST politician who hates immigrants has shockingly lost an election.

Far-right candidate Norbert Hofer failed to win Austria’s presidential poll, in a major shock for many who assumed that swivel-eyed weirdos are the default mainstream choice these days.

31-year-old Emma Bradford said: “When I saw the words ‘election’ ‘far-right’ and ‘Austria’ I skipped straight to page five of my newspaper because I just can’t take it any more.

“Turns out he actually lost, which I can’t quite get my head around. I just assumed the exploitation of racial tensions would win out, triggering a catastrophic domino effect across the region and resulting in loads more nutters gaining power.

“You know, just normal everyday 2016 stuff.”