ROYAL Mail deliveries are arriving later than ever, and frequently drenched in semen, it was claimed yesterday.
New figures show that up to 44% of letters are arriving after 3pm and sodden with reproductive fluid of uncertain origin.
Business owner, Bill McKay, said: "Every day I rely on Royal Mail to deliver important documents safely and securely. Last week a client in China received some contracts which were completely welded together with jism which I know wasn't mine.
"How am I supposed to explain that? I certainly don't know the Mandarin word for 'cum'. It makes me look like a total amateur."
Housewife Nikki Hollis said: "Our post used to arrive at 8am, then it was 10am, then it was midday, then it was midday and with spunk on it. If that's not falling standards I don't know what is."
A spokesman for the Communication Workers' Union said: "There are managers on 250K a year whose offices are completely coated in sperm. You can't even see out of the windows.
"But if our members get, for example, a small amount of bodily fluid on someone's Amazon order, they are instantly scapegoated."
Describing the findings as 'disappointing' a Royal Mail spokesman said: "We work hard to ensure that mail arrives promptly and uncontaminated by seminal fluid.
"However, the reality is that sometimes we could do better and customers whose mail is arriving with stray ejaculate on it have every right to feel aggrieved
"While we are working with staff to ensure tighter controls on their juices, a claim can be made on completion of form J146H 'Damaged or Semen-Affected Letters and Parcels' which is available behind the counter at your local branch."