Present-hunting children unprepared for what they might find in 'mum's special drawer'

BRITAIN’S children are in no way prepared for what they will find in parents’ bedrooms while looking for their Christmas presents, it has been confirmed.

Research from the Institute for Studies showed that whilst a parent’s bedroom is the most likely place for a child to find their new games console or pet horse, it’s also the most likely place they will find some sort of sexual accessory.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It’s understandable that your child may want a rabbit for Christmas, but not of one of the ‘rampant’ variety which is in ‘that drawer’.

“Same goes for the butt plugs and definitely that thing that looks like a torch but with a fanny on the end.”

Child Nathan Muir said: “I went rooting through my dad’s sock draw and found some of his naughty magazines by mistake.

“Yeah, I know. Who still buys porno mags?”

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Stupid f**king hats everywhere

BRITAIN was awash with stupid hats, it has emerged.

As the cold weather continued trainee solicitor Julian Cook wore a brightly patterned Inca hat with his business suit that made him look like he had escaped from a mental hospital.

In Colchester, accountant Helen Archer went for the retro communist look with a cheap Russian-style fake fur hat from Millets. Everyone said she was an arsehole.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “Too many people these days are using cold weather as a way of expressing their unbearable personalities.

“If it is very cold and you are tempted to go outside, at least think about buying a hat that isn’t stupid. You may have seen some of them in the shops when you were buying your stupid hat.”

Meanwhile, in Glasgow a young man wore a Fair Isle patterned wool skullcap teamed with a grey duffel coat and red cord trousers and was shouted at so much that he started to cry.