ABOVE-THEMSELVES cafés are refusing to offer a fry up, even though they have all the ingredients on their pretentious menu.
Researchers found that overly self-conscious café owners are offering artisan sausage baps, locally-sourced bacon baguettes or free range scrambled egg.
However they will not put these ingredients together on the same plate, because they think this would be somehow demeaning.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Increasingly, cafe owners are choosing to separate traditional breakfast ingredients because they want to distance themselves from ‘the masses’ and maybe get used as a location for a Culture Show interview.
“For Christ’s sake, get over yourselves. Put it all on a plate you absolute idiots.”
Tom Booker, manager of Mode 19 Café, said: “You can have sausages in hand-cut local bread, some eggs done ‘your way’ or a salad thing with bits of bacon crumbled into it.
“I suppose you could buy them all, then pick out the worthwhile bits and put them on a plate. But don’t ask us to do that ourselves – it’s not about you the customer, it’s about us and our vision of being cool.”
Professor Brubaker added: “Also, when places stop serving breakfast at a fixed time, why do they do that? Surely they have facilities to make meat and eggs hot at any hour.”