Pretentious cafés won't do full English despite having all the ingredients

ABOVE-THEMSELVES cafés are refusing to offer a fry up, even though they have all the ingredients on their pretentious menu.

Researchers found that overly self-conscious café owners are offering artisan sausage baps, locally-sourced bacon baguettes or free range scrambled egg.

However they will not put these ingredients together on the same plate, because they think this would be somehow demeaning.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Increasingly, cafe owners are choosing to separate traditional breakfast ingredients because they want to distance themselves from ‘the masses’ and maybe get used as a location for a Culture Show interview.

“For Christ’s sake, get over yourselves. Put it all on a plate you absolute idiots.”

Tom Booker, manager of Mode 19 Café, said: “You can have sausages in hand-cut local bread, some eggs done ‘your way’ or a salad thing with bits of bacon crumbled into it.

“I suppose you could buy them all, then pick out the worthwhile bits and put them on a plate. But don’t ask us to do that ourselves – it’s not about you the customer, it’s about us and our vision of being cool.”

Professor Brubaker added: “Also, when places stop serving breakfast at a fixed time, why do they do that? Surely they have facilities to make meat and eggs hot at any hour.”

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Peter Jackson to turn Bale transfer into trilogy

THE long-running saga of Gareth Bale’s journey from Spurs to Real Madrid is to be made into a film saga by Peter Jackson.

The director who turned short farmers on a walk into a box office hit has already begun pre-production on the first film, detailing Bale’s plucky battle against the tyrannical club that pays him £110,000 a week.

Jackson said: “The trilogy is essentially a race between simple, good-hearted Welshman Bale and feral, once-human Luis Suarez for a massive contract with Real Madrid.

“The opening shot pans across the verdant, unspoilt greenery of heavy-manufacturing heartland Cardiff where a poor-but-happy Bale lives in his burrow on a high-rise housing estate.

“Flaxen-haired Savage the elf and wise old wizard Giggs the Grey launch our hero on his quest for a mountain of gold. He escapes the bitebeast Suarez by tricking him into thinking he has his heart in his hands by doing his trademark goal celebration.

“There was some worry with the finance people because, like with Harry Potter, we’re filming a story before it’s actually reached its conclusion. But Gareth has assured me the transfer will be completed by July 2015 at the very latest.”

Real Madrid, to be depicted as a giant glowing red eye in the heavens, said: “Can I just say that there’s no need for players to issue come-and-get-me statements through the media.

“We’re Real fucking Madrid. It doesn’t matter what you or your agent or your club or your wife says, if we want you we’ll get you.

The film A Universally Expected Journey, will be released at Christmas, going up against comedy Wenger’s Millions about a football manager trying to spend a fortune by August 31st.