Primark bans attractive people

BUDGET clothing giant Primark has banned good-looking people from its shops.

Primark’s management got the idea after reading that Abercrombie and Fitch stores exclude fat customers.

A Primark spokesman said: “It seems so obvious in retrospect – no one wants a hot model type spoiling the mood as they’re shuffling around our aisles chucking things on the floor.

“Our brand is all about reasonably-priced elasticated clothing for people with a flexible approach to how many cakes they should eat.

“You could say we’re promoting a cake-based lifestyle.”

Under new store rules, anyone with a body fat ratio of under 39 per cent with be firmly but politely pointed in the direction of the fancy jeans shop down the road.

The spokesman said: “We’re also asking our staff to ‘stop washing and start eating’. If anyone turns up for their shift looking too slim, they’ll have to power-eat ten Steak Bakes.”

36-year-old Primark customer Emma Bradford said: “Obviously I want my Primark experience to be as depressing as possible, I go in there as a sort of psychological self-harm. But I don’t mind seeing thin people as long as they look tired and forlorn.

“The main group I’d like to see excluded is clever people. Can we do that?”

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Dogs asked to reason with burglars

DOGS are being asked to explain to burglars why they’re letting themselves down. 

As new laws are introduced banning dogs from biting intruders, the government has asked them to instead engage thieves in a debate about the moral implications of stealing.

Three-year-old Alsatian Roy Hobbs said: “Apparently I’m supposed to offer burglars a hot drink and then explain to them why they’d be better off doing an apprenticeship rather than nicking the DVD player.

“It’s an interesting idea but on balance I’d rather bite their face off.”