IN a radical overhaul of how the monarchy is funded, members of the royal family will be asked to attend a job centre every other week.
The move follows publication of the royal family’s annual accounts, which show that the taxpayer gave Prince Charles £2.2 million to spend on Camilla’s posh Peter Stuyvesant fags.
Under the new Royal Credits system, which is to replace the Civil List, Prince Charles must sign on at 3.15pm alternate Tuesdays if he wants to keep getting his benefits. He must remember to bring his signing-on book in its little plastic envelope and any evidence that he has been looking for a job.
The future king can expect to be kept waiting for about 45 minutes while the person in front of him tells their advisor they are thinking about shooting someone on public transport. During this time he can use the job centre’s confusing touch screen monitors to browse for whatever work might suit an ageing aristocrat with soft pink hands.
Prince Charles will then participate in a short interview where a listless woman types his details into a computer before telling him about a vacancy for a part-time trainee beauty therapist in Penzance.
Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, signs at the slightly later time of 4.15pm. She will wait on the bench outside Job Centre Plus, smoking with people in shell suits and trying to sell them corgi pups.
Job Centre Plus manager Tom Logan said: “Royal Credits aims to save the public money by getting the monarchy off benefits and into full time employment.
“We’ve already got Prince Andrew a semi-permanent role driving a forklift in a plastics moulding factory.
“However any saving to the taxpayer has been offset by maternity pay for the six female colleagues he’s gotten up the spout.”