Prince Charles to attend Job Centre Plus every fortnight

IN a radical overhaul of how the monarchy is funded, members of the royal family will be asked to attend a job centre every other week.

The move follows publication of the royal family’s annual accounts, which show that the taxpayer gave Prince Charles £2.2 million to spend on Camilla’s posh Peter Stuyvesant fags.

Under the new Royal Credits system, which is to replace the Civil List, Prince Charles must sign on at 3.15pm alternate Tuesdays if he wants to keep getting his benefits. He must remember to bring his signing-on book in its little plastic envelope and any evidence that he has been looking for a job.

The future king can expect to be kept waiting for about 45 minutes while the person in front of him tells their advisor they are thinking about shooting someone on public transport. During this time he can use the job centre’s confusing touch screen monitors to browse for whatever work might suit an ageing aristocrat with soft pink hands.

Prince Charles will then participate in a short interview where a listless woman types his details into a computer before telling him about a vacancy for a part-time trainee beauty therapist in Penzance.

Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, signs at the slightly later time of 4.15pm. She will wait on the bench outside Job Centre Plus, smoking with people in shell suits and trying to sell them corgi pups.

Job Centre Plus manager Tom Logan said: “Royal Credits aims to save the public money by getting the monarchy off benefits and into full time employment.

“We’ve already got Prince Andrew a semi-permanent role driving a forklift in a plastics moulding factory.

“However any saving to the taxpayer has been offset by maternity pay for the six female colleagues he’s gotten up the spout.”



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Prison escape lacks narrative drive

A real-life prison escape completely lacked the tension and excitement of Hollywood prison breaks, it has emerged.

Convicted murderer John Massey, 64, escaped from Pentonville Prison by lowering himself over a wall and running away, a plan that completely lacked the ingenuity of spending 20 years digging a tunnel with a tiny rock hammer.

A Prison Service spokesman  said: “At the very least we would have preferred Massey to escape while handcuffed to another prisoner, leading to wise-ass dialogue and them going ‘WOOOOOOOAAH SHIIIIT!’ when they try to drive a car.

“It also appears that Massey did not enlist the help of an older African-American prisoner, probably because his actual cellmate is a burglar from Swindon with drug and mental health issues who spends all day doing puzzle books.”

An investigation is now underway to establish how Massey managed to escape without threatening a prison doctor with a syringe full of floor cleaner, getting his girlfriend to hide a gun in her vagina, or building a glider.

Home secretary Theresa May said: “Britain still suffers from dramatically uninteresting escapes. Massey escaped in order to visit his elderly mother, not to avoid a vicious gang of male rapists, which would have been more exciting.

“We’re trying to encourage more male rape among inmates, but a lot of them just don’t fancy each other.”

Massey is now back in custody, where he is believed to be devising a complicated plan to run off when someone leaves a door open.