Prisoner perks to be based on money laundering for Chris Grayling

PRISONERS will be allowed perks such as television and snooker if they help the evil justice secretary hide his illegal earnings.

Chris Grayling said: “Forty-five minutes of television a day is reasonable reward for setting up a Cayman Islands holding company or a tanning salon that does not exist.

“Indeed, if a prisoner is able to complete self-assessment tax returns for my entire staff then he and his friends may even be rewarded with a cold beer on a hot day.”

Grayling added that innocent prisoners with advanced accountancy skills will also be allowed to ask him for support with their appeals.

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Being left alone for five f*cking minutes now impossible

ANNOYING bastards are going to be constantly pestering you, thanks to electronic things.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Advances in technology are all about connecting people. Specifically, connecting you with people you’d rather avoid.

“If you have a computer there are now 5,695,593 separate means by which people can badger you.

“They could be a colleague hassling you about work, a stranger proffering penis pills or an annoying relative who lives in New Zealand and goes on Skype just to wave frantically and say ‘hiyaaaa’ like an imbecile.

“Of course you could turn your computer off but then within five minutes they’ll all be round your house, having assumed that you’d choked to death.

“Why can’t they invent some software that makes people fuck off?”