Steampunk weapons useless against fists

PRETEND ‘Steampunk’ weapons are less effective than fists, a fight has revealed.

While attending the Whitby Goth Weekend, steampunk lifestyle person Julian Cook received a beating in a pub despite being armed with a laser blunderbuss and a Gatling-gun duelling pistol.”

Cook said: “”Some friends and I were drinking in a pub while dressed as adventurers from a quasi-Victorian alternate reality. In retrospect that was our first mistake, but anyway.

“”I was getting some crisps when this hard-looking bloke came over and said ‘‘Who the fuck are you supposed to be?’’

“When I explained I was Sir Phileas Phogg, inventor of the coal-powered aerial dreadnought, he replied ‘’No you’’re not, you’re a fucking twat’.’

““I unholstered my laser blunderbuss, casting a glance over at some nearby girls before coolly replying, ‘Dear Sir, I think ‘Dreadnought’ here might have the last word in this altercation.’

“However I had temporarily forgotten the gun was part of my massive world of pretend and thus completely non-functional.

““The aggressive man then removed my cyber-monocle and stamped on it, before punching me in the face.

““The beating continued for some time, with my friends reluctant to help because they are not really Her Majesty’’s League of Fantastical Adventurers but people who work in an office.””

Cook was not seriously hurt in the attack, due to his assailant frequently pausing to laugh at his top hat, welder’s goggles and fake steam-powered prosthetic arm.

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Waitrose top for organic vegetables, customer service and milfs

WAITROSE is the best supermarket for fresh produce and highly attractive middle-aged women, it has been claimed.

As researchers claim that a Waitrose branch can increase local house prices by 50 per cent, customers praised the store’s tasty organic fare, knowledgeable staff and the way it is teeming with smoking hot, sexually confident mums.

56-year-old Tom Logan said: “I think the deli counter is excellent, the black pudding-coated Scotch eggs are truly of artisan quality and the scallops are to die for. Also, it is the most mental boner fest.

“Waitrose is like the local milf HQ, or ‘moonbase milf’ as I call it.

“Seriously, I don’t mean to sound like a perv but I had to repeatedly smash my raging groin into a chiller cabinet just so that I could go and pay.”

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “I’m straight but I come here mainly for the milfs. Compared to other supermarkets, Waitrose milfs are delicious. They could be actresses in daytime soaps. The minute I walk in the door I’m bisexual.”

She added: “That’s why it’s the best supermarket, even though it’s six fucking quid for a fish pie.”