Saturday, 4th April 2020

Caring is a job? P*ss off: Priti Patel's guide to the economically inactive

HELLO. I’m home secretary Priti Patel, and soon I’ll start deporting even the white ones. So are you economically inactive and useless? 

Retired
You’ve worked your entire life so it’s time to sit back, relax and sign up for hauling turnips out of the ground or a role in the hospitality industry. I hear old people whining about feeling isolated and unwanted, but I don’t see them working as baristas at Starbucks. 

Student
Many students have part-time jobs during term time and full-time jobs in the holidays. That’s not enough. You’re young. You need to be working at least one full-time and one part-time during term, and two full-times and a part-time in the summer. Don’t make us raise tuition fees again. 

Carer
Caring is a job? P*ss off. If you’re doing it for free – perhaps for an elderly relative or sick child – then you’re hurting yourself and hurting Britain. Stop being so selfish and care for somebody else’s 95-year-old mother for a change. And make sure they pay for it.

Long-term sick
To put it politely, it’s time to either void or vacate the bathroom. A buccaneering, vibrant, low-tax, post-Brexit economy can’t afford passengers. A job at a roadside car wash might kill the seriously ill, but at least you wouldn’t die a burden. I know what I’d choose. 

Other
If you cannot be bothered to specify why you’re economically inactive, then I certainly can’t be bothered to consider your reasons valid. Report to the east coast of Britain. We need untrained people out there on trawlers catching fish and fighting off Spanish fishermen.