Caring is a job? Piss off: Priti Patel's guide to the economically inactive

HELLO. I’m home secretary Priti Patel, and soon I’ll start deporting even the white ones. So are you economically inactive and useless? 

You’ve worked your entire life so it’s time to sit back, relax and sign up for hauling turnips out of the ground or a role in the hospitality industry. I hear old people whining about feeling isolated and unwanted, but I don’t see them working as baristas at Starbucks. 

Many students have part-time jobs during term time and full-time jobs in the holidays. That’s not enough. You’re young. You need to be working at least one full-time and one part-time during term, and two full-times and a part-time in the summer. Don’t make us raise tuition fees again. 

Caring is a job? Piss off. If you’re doing it for free – perhaps for an elderly relative or sick child – then you’re hurting yourself and hurting Britain. Stop being so selfish and care for somebody else’s 95-year-old mother for a change. And make sure they pay for it.

Long-term sick
To put it politely, it’s time to either void or vacate the bathroom. A buccaneering, vibrant, low-tax, post-Brexit economy can’t afford passengers. A job at a roadside car wash might kill the seriously ill, but at least you wouldn’t die a burden. I know what I’d choose. 

If you cannot be bothered to specify why you’re economically inactive, then I certainly can’t be bothered to consider your reasons valid. Report to the east coast of Britain. We need untrained people out there on trawlers catching fish and fighting off Spanish fishermen. 

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I am not worth £6.50, confirms 'artisan' sausage roll

AN artisanal sausage roll has confirmed it is not worth the £6.50 it costs.

The premium treat, which is being peddled without irony in a London cafe, was eager to emphasise its disapproval of the whole business.

The sausage roll said: “I would hate for anyone to think that I think this is okay and not hugely pretentious.

“I’m basically the same as a Greggs sausage roll but with a load of sage chucked in and some pastry that’s been burned for ‘authenticity’.”

The sausage roll was also keen to point out that its provenance in no way justified the price tag.

It continued: “I’m not kidding myself. I’m sausage meat. That’s mushed up offcuts at the very best. I’m a joke.”

Nearby a pile of eight ‘artisanal’ thick-cut rosemary chips stacked into a pile and priced at £5 were suffering similar feelings of shame and embarrassment.