Procrastinator discovers this is the best he can do

A MAN is recovering from the realisation that he is no better even if he tries really hard.

After spending the last 35 years coasting through education, work and relationships, Wayne Hayes had long held the mistaken belief that his life would improve if he just applied himself.

Hayes said: “I slogged my guts out for a month for the first time in my entire life. You can imagine my dismay when I discovered it made absolutely no difference and me at my absolute best is only about one per cent better than me half-arsing things.

“Having a mediocre life because you lack ambition is one thing but to have a mediocre that you absolutely deserve is quite different.”

Hayes has gone on to try and read some ‘important’ books before realising he did not understand them after all. He is currently writing the first and only chapter of an absolutely dreadful novel.

The shock of his averageness caused him to split with his perfectly nice partner of five years and his experience on Tinder has made him realise he has no chance with the beautiful women he always thought he could pull if he just made an effort.

Hayes said: “I imagine this is what supporting Newcastle United must feel like.”

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Colleague ready to get pissed at moment’s notice

AN OFFICE colleague is ready to go and get hammered at literally a second’s notice, his co-workers have confirmed. 

IT manager Martin Bishop will go to the pub with any colleague after any shift and is prepared for it to become an all-night session or even a full weekend without any warning at all.

Friend Tom Booker said: “It doesn’t have to be Friday, there doesn’t need to be anything to celebrate, there doesn’t even need to be a match on.

“If I say, exploratively, ‘Fancy going out on the lash?’ on a Monday evening at 4.55pm he’s already got his coat on.

“I could text ‘Pint?’ in the middle of a morning meeting and he’d be at my desk with a hungry look.

“I mean he’s probably a functioning alcoholic but I have to admit it comes in really handy.”

Bishop said: “What’s wrong with wanting to be shitfaced all the time?

“Didn’t this used to be Britain, for Christ’s sake?”