Sunday, 7th June 2020

Professional Northerner oddly reluctant to meet other Northerners

A MAN who never shuts up about being a Northerner avoids meeting anyone else from the region, colleagues have noticed.

Steve Malley, from Bolton but currently based in Swindon, regularly extols Northerners’ toughness, no-nonsense attitude and community spirit, but has never gone on a night out when recent recruit Tom Logan from Leeds is there.

Co-worker Nikki Hollis said: “Steve’s always telling us how Northerners will thump you if you mess them around, but are also incredibly friendly, but also have a cruel sense of humour.

“So you’d think he’d be keen to get to know Tom, since they’re both from the same authentic, grimy-but-honest pie-muching utopia. But he doesn’t seem keen at all.

“I’ve no idea why. Maybe they’re from different tribes. I’m assuming they still have tribes in the North, each with their own king sitting on a mud throne, but then I’m from Cheltenham.”

Malley said: “I’m not avoiding Tom. Being Northerners who can take their ale we’ll probably have an epic pub session and drink all the soft southerners under the table. Then have a pie.”

Logan said: “I must have a chat with Steve. I’m sure he’s not one of those twats who pretends the North is like 1960s Coronation Street and bangs on about pies.”