Professional Northerner oddly reluctant to meet other Northerners

A MAN who never shuts up about being a Northerner avoids meeting anyone else from the region, colleagues have noticed.

Steve Malley, from Bolton but currently based in Swindon, regularly extols Northerners’ toughness, no-nonsense attitude and community spirit, but has never gone on a night out when recent recruit Tom Logan from Leeds is there.

Co-worker Nikki Hollis said: “Steve’s always telling us how Northerners will thump you if you mess them around, but are also incredibly friendly, but also have a cruel sense of humour.

“So you’d think he’d be keen to get to know Tom, since they’re both from the same authentic, grimy-but-honest pie-muching utopia. But he doesn’t seem keen at all.

“I’ve no idea why. Maybe they’re from different tribes. I’m assuming they still have tribes in the North, each with their own king sitting on a mud throne, but then I’m from Cheltenham.”

Malley said: “I’m not avoiding Tom. Being Northerners who can take their ale we’ll probably have an epic pub session and drink all the soft southerners under the table. Then have a pie.”

Logan said: “I must have a chat with Steve. I’m sure he’s not one of those twats who pretends the North is like 1960s Coronation Street and bangs on about pies.”

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How to know when to give the f**k up on something

DO YOU, like Theresa May bringing her Brexit deal back for a fourth time, not know how to stop flogging a dead horse? Here’s how to spot when it’s time to quit: 

Nothing is changing

Whether it’s resuscitating a pet, starting a hashtag for your own birthday or trying to make a deal with Jeremy Corbyn, if nothing you do is making any difference accept it and stop pumping uselessly away at its expired carcass.

You’re murderously frustrated

If every time you approach a task, you end up wanting to punch yourself in the face because it doesn’t make sense and is probably impossible, give up on what you started. Like many former Brexit voters would like to but are not allowed to.

You’d rather be doing literally anything else

Finding yourself finally giving the garage that deep clean it’s needed since 1985? Putting your DVDs in alphabetical order, again in the garage? Holding a Commons vote on puppy farms? If these are your displacement activities, you need to make a call on the task you’re avoiding.

Everyone’s telling you it’s f**king pointless

If the queue to tell you that what you are doing is a futile waste of everyone’s time is millions of people long, sack it off. Dump all the paperwork in Theresa May’s office and go to the seaside.

You think someone else would do a better job

You’re fooling yourself. They’ll do just as badly, and if it’s Boris much, much worse, but at least it wouldn’t be your problem any more.