Progressive friend doesn't think that’s very funny

YOUR friend with a progressive mindset does not find the edgy joke you are laughing at very funny, actually.

Relentlessly right-on pal Francesca Johnson has taken issue with the viral joke you forwarded to her, and is now explaining at great length why you should be ashamed of yourself for laughing at it.

She said: “I like a good giggle as much as the next person, except for when a joke goes against the grain and requires a trace of irony to process. At that point I shut down and become a humourless robot.

“By laughing at a gag which doesn’t punch up in the way I prefer I take it that you are aligned with its problematic values? You’re lucky I haven’t asked my half a dozen followers to dog-pile you and bring about your cancellation.

“Can’t you see that it’s manipulative, exploitative, and has serious consent issues? I think you should take a good long look in the mirror and re-evaluate both your sense of humour and your overall personality.”

Your more reasonable friend Tom Booker said: “Thanks for sending me that f**king hilarious joke mate, I can see why it’s been shared by millions of people. It reminds me of how stupid Francesca is.”

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We're not in the EU and everything's just great, Brexiter tells Ukraine

AN ARDENT Leave voter has reminded Ukraine that the UK is not in the European Union and everything is going just great over here.

Brexiter Roy Hobbs has tempered Ukraine’s ambitions of joining the EU by pointing out that since we left the UK has reaped lots of benefits which he cannot talk about specifically or in any detail.

Hobbs said: “Ever since a razor thin majority of our population was sort of tricked into voting leave things here have improved drastically. If all those lorries queuing up in Kent tell me anything it’s that business is clearly booming.

“I’m certain that if you follow our example and tell Brussels to f**k off you’ll come up with your own innovative solution to a tricky border dispute. It’s working really well for us so far.

“I know you think cosying up to the European overlords will solve all of your problems overnight but it won’t. And they’ll force you to have a red passport, which is basically the same as being invaded by Russia.”

Ukrainian Vladyslav Andrich said: “I was offered the chance to flee the Eastern border and stay with an English family. But on balance, staying here and taking my chances is the more preferable option.”