Property developer slides down large snake to end up back at home with his parents

A MAN who nearly reached the top of the London property ladder is back at his parents’ after sliding down an enormous snake.

Property developer Martin Bishop had been climbing the ladder for a decade and he says if it wasn’t for the huge snake he could have bought Wembley stadium.

He said: “Ever since I was a kid, I dreamed of climbing the property ladder. Yep. I was a prick even when I was a kid.

“I bought a load of flats, kicked out the tenants and tarted them up for rich twats. But then this big snake appeared and instead of eating me, I slid right down it and wound back sleeping in my folks’ spare room.”

Bishop did a series of dodgy property deals with men who looked like extras from a Danny Dyer film, which he is also now blaming on the snake.

He added: “I suppose it’s like the old saying goes, ‘If you don’t want to see snakes, don’t hang about with property developers.’”

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Pregnant woman launches 'Don't F**k In Autumn' campaign

A PREGNANT woman struggling to deal with the heat is spearheading a ‘Don’t F**k In Autumn’ campaign to save others from suffering like she is. 

Mary Fisher of Southampton wants to warn women to abstain from sexual intercourse entirely from September to November so they do not end up in the sweltering ready-to-drop hell that is her summer.

She continued: “I’m encouraging responsible conception by example. Don’t end up like me.

“I didn’t think about the consequences that fateful October night. I’m fine with the baby, we’d been trying for ages, but I didn’t realised I’d be lugging this cannonball around in 22-degree heat like I’m in training for the Paras.

“Do it in January. Make sweet, child-conceiving love on Valentine’s Day. Spend your entire summer holiday screwing yourselves raw. I couldn’t care less.

“But please, for your own sakes, don’t hump from the beginning of the academic year until you hear Mariah Carey’s sleigh bells. Save yourselves.

“I’ve got three fucking weddings to go to in the next month. I will deliver my message there.”