Nation laments start of Crocs season

THE UK is lamenting the start of Crocs season.

The country has now officially entered the annual three-month window in which the ridiculous rubber shoes are upgraded from shameful garden wear to out-in-the-open footwear.  

While understandably distressing to those who do not wear them, even Croc-havers admit to being disgusted at sight of them in public.

Nikki Hollis, reluctant owner of two pairs, explained: “You hear it on the high street as the summer begins: that horrible, sweaty  squeaking.

“Yes I wear them, but that’s because I have bad arches and anyway I’m clearly not a normal Crocs person.

“Everyone else in them looks like they’ve escaped from some sort of secure unit.”

In response, the public has begged for the return of flip-flops, however bad the feet in question.  

A spokesperson said: “All is forgiven – the hairy toes, the yellow nails and the weird soles that look like grated cheese. It’s all fine. Just please god no more Crocs.”

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Nobody offended by Harry Kane's 'World Cup Group Stage June 18' tattoo

TEAMMATES and fans have no issue with Harry Kane’s new tattoo commemorating England’s upcoming group stage exit, they have confirmed.

The England captain got the back tattoo done early so he can display it to crowds at close of the team’s final game against Belgium in the Kaliningrad Stadium on July 28th.

An England insider said: “Harry’s not living in some fantasy land of guns and gangsters and fluke victories over Tunisia, unlike certain City strikers I could name.

“He’s thought ahead and got himself inked with a really moving image of a gravestone surrounded by the ghostly heads of the squad ready for those slow-motion shots of his sweaty torso as we exit the competition, probably over an Adele song.

“Jordan Pickford’s particularly pleased with his likeness. No-one’s had the courage to tell him it’s actually Joe Hart.”

Sun journalist Wayne Hayes said: “The captain of the England team’s so sure we’ll lose that he’s had it permanently tattooed on his body?

“Non-story. Get out of my way. I’ve got a hot tip that Raheem Sterling likes rap music.”