Proud parents got to pay for f**king university now

THE parents of students who achieved their A Level goals are pretending to be happy about the situation.

Plumber Tom Booker’s daughter Sarah excitedly revealed getting the required grades for a place at Bristol University.

He said: “She thinks these are tears of pride. I was saving that money for a canal boat.”

Booker is fairly certain that he and his wife are not getting any government help to keep his daughter alive for the next three years, even if he fiddles his books a bit.

He added: “Of course I’m proud, she’s the first one in the family to go to university. Or at least she will be, unless I can persuade her of the vocational and ‘life skills’ benefits of going straight to work at the local print and copy shop, then marrying her boss.”

Single mother Emma Bradford’s son Peter got his hoped-for two B’s and a C: “On the one hand, I’ve got to subsidise a massively expensive thing that I can’t afford and is totally pointless when you consider that all human knowledge is on the internet.

“On the other hand, he won’t be in my house any more, acting like nobody can smell his skunk smoke because he’s slightly opened the bedroom window.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

New band to perform entire first album in full

A BAND has promised to perform its first, and so far only, album in full on an upcoming tour. 

Neo-shoegaze outfit Eterniday Box will perform debut album Zone in the order that the tracks first appeared on its debut CD a few weeks ago.

Lead singer Stephen Malley said: “The cultural landscape is almost unrecognisable from when we released our album, all the way back in February this year, but amazingly it’s still reaching new ears. 

“With that in mind we thought the time was right to take that album out on the road to perform it to a whole generation who’ve never seen these songs live before.”

The band have promised that if audiences are receptive enough, they will play the extra tracks from the deluxe edition of the album and even the iTunes exclusive. 

However music blogger Julian Cook said: “Another warmed-up nostalgia tour from an act coasting on past glories. 

“I remember seeing Eterniday back in July, when their live shows were so unpredictable you had no idea if they’d play track five before track two or after track eight.”

Malley said: “To be honest we’d rather be doing new material but everyone boos and throws beer.”