Pub forced to serve 15-year-old because age recognition software says he’s 44

AN UNDERAGE boy has been served a pint of beer by his local pub after age recognition software confirmed that he was 44 years old. 

Wayne Hayes, previously believed to be 15, boldly ordered a pint of Carlsberg and when asked to produce ID instead loaded up Microsoft’s facial recognition software

Landlord Bill McKay said: “To be fair to the lad, after we ran extensive face matching tests, it verified that he was indeed middle-aged.

“I must admit I was thrown by his school blazer and his voice not being broken yet, but I bowed to the computer’s superior knowledge, apologised and pulled the pint he took small, pained sips from for the next hour.”

However, the mood turned sour when children claiming to be friends of Hayes were denied service after the software recognised them as only 15.

McKay continued: “They continued to claim they were Mr Hayes’s schoolfriends even as I kicked them out.

“How could people of the same age ever appear physically to be of different ages? That’s ridiculous.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Lib Dems regain position as Britain’s last, desperate choice

THE Liberal Democrats’ second place in the Witney by-election has confirmed them as the party Britain turns to when all hope is lost. 

The party increased their share of the vote from seven per cent to 30 per cent as the electorate once again found themselves trapped with nowhere else to go.

Lib Dem leader Tim Farron said: “As the 2010 election showed, when the British people find themselves in total despair with all other options exhausted, they’ll take a punt on the Liberal Democrats.

“And if Britain continues to metaphorically set fire to its own house without any plan for escape, I think we can see increasing support from voters taking a reckless leap into the unknown.

“Hopefully we can get big enough to bugger up another general election. That’s the dream.”

Voter Francesca Johnson said: “I stood in the polling booth for about ten minutes, wracked with indecision between the hard-right party wrecking our economy or the hard-left party who want to.

“Then I thought fuck it, I’ll vote Lib Dem. I’ve got nothing left to lose.”