Theresa May loses Britain in late-night poker game

THE prime minister has lost British sovereignty to Germany in a game of poker at the European summit in Brussels. 

Theresa May was invited into the 2am game on the pretext that it would be “good practice” for upcoming Brexit negotiations, and despite inexperience enjoyed an initial run of luck.

An onlooker said: “They played for matches at first, to teach her the rules, but Theresa was doing so well that Charles Michel of Belgium suggested they ‘make it interesting’.

“She won Luxembourg with a queen-jack bluff and managed to build up a little pot of Baltic states, but when she tried to leave the table Hollande said it was only polite to give everyone a chance to win it back.

“Within two hands she’d lost Scotland to an inside straight, went white as a sheet saying Nicola would kill her, then compounded the mistake by going all in when Merkel had a flush.

“Britain is run from Germany now, Brexit isn’t happening, and its people are slaves cruelly forced to develop a stable manufacturing base and invest in renewable energy.”

May said: “I have learned that keeping your hand secret is not the only thing it takes to win at poker. You also need to know how the game works and how strong the other players’ hands are.

“Unfortunately I have learned this just slightly too late.”

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Radiohead booked for Glastonbury’s ironic Sunday afternoon slot

RADIOHEAD have been booked in Glastonbury’s Sunday afternoon slot for heritage acts whose music young people enjoy ironically. 

In 2017, the Oxford rockers will follow Lionel Ritchie and Dolly Parton by performing to an audience only familiar with them because their dad played their music in his Vauxhall Cavalier when he picked them up from school. 

19-year-old Eleanor Shaw said: “Oh wow, Radiohead, I didn’t know they were still going.

“That’ll be perfect for Sunday afternoon at Worthy Farm, when you’re recovering after being mashed off your tits for a properly big act like Rihanna or Ed Sheeran the night before. 

“The good thing about a band like that is they’ve accepted nobody’s interested in their new stuff so they just stick to the hits that you’ve heard in the supermarket.

“What’s that one about it raining? That’s a bit of a singalong number and it’ll be nice to have a band that the whole family can enjoy. Maybe with a nice picnic.” 

A spokesman for the band said: “Of course Thom will be doing his trademark ‘funny dance’. It wouldn’t be a Radiohead show without it!”