Friday, 10th July 2020

Public calls for 'wankers only' train carriages

TRAIN passengers have called for services to include a dedicated wanker carriage where wankers can go about their business in peace. 

The carriage, which would mirror the quiet carriage on long-distance services, would be reserved for anyone eating fast food, attempting to comandeer a full table for themselves and their laptop, or youths with Bluetooth speakers.

A Network Rail spokesman said: “Wankers face a great deal of discrimination from the general public, because they’re wankers.

“By reserving a whole carriage for them to eat their Burger King, have top-volume phone conversations about what’s transpired in a small circle of friends in the last 45 minutes, or simply watching Fast & Furious 6 without headphones, we improve journeys for everyone else.

“We will charge a premium, especially as they’ll all need two tickets because their bag has to have a seat of its own.

“Any remaining seats are available to non-wankers for free. However, they’re unlikely to get all the way to their destination and will probably flee screaming at Didcot Parkway.”

Commuter Martin Bishop said: “I regularly get the Bristol-London service. One carriage won’t be nearly enough.”