Public sector cordially invited to suck it

BRITAIN is today extending a gracious invitation to the public sector to suck on it until they gag.

As it moves closer and closer to them, millions of government workers are making their mouths as small and tight as possible amid fears it will taste as bad as their private sector friends have warned.

Wayne Hayes, a grade 19 community liaison officer from Stevenage, said: “My friend Susan says it tastes like actions and consequences. She says it tastes like imperfection. She says it tastes like a mixture of Vimto and piss. She says it tastes like life.

“I’m begging you, please don’t make me suck it.”

Meanwhile unions have threatened strike action stressing public sector pensions were clearly affordable in the run up to the collapse of Lehman Brothers when the deficit was a piffling £68bn and rising and pensions were funded by nice corporation taxes from profitable banks run by geniuses.

Dave Prentis, the Unison boss paid £92,000 a year to say things like this, said: “Fred Goodwin, Bob Diamond, Bob Diamond, Fred Goodwin.


Meanwhile Tom Logan, a man who does something for a company in exchange for about thirty seven grand a year and four weeks holiday, said: “A lot of public sector workers complain about unpaid overtime. It’s almost as if they have one of those clauses in their contract which reads ‘and any additional duties as required’. You know the one.

“Now imagine how that tastes when it is slowly folded into a pension that’s made of raw shite.

“Admittedly, if I was a public sector worker I would not be relishing the prospect of sucking on it, but I also reckon I would at least have the nuts to admit that the deficit is my fault too.”

He added: “Meanwhile I’m being fucked by politicians, fucked by bankers and grimy hedge fund monsters and fucked by trade unions and the whining, snivelling, entitlement monkeys they represent.

“I simply don’t have any more holes to be fucked in.”



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I’ve just started a new job and although I’m enjoying it so far, I’m finding it hard to integrate with the other staff. They’ve all been working there for years and have very established cliques and ways of doing things. They never include me in anything and don’t cut me any slack even though I’m the new girl. For example, the other day, some old boot called Trixie chased me up the street and chucked a pink stiletto at my head because apparently I was on her patch. But no-one had thought to tell me that the pavement between Dixons and Topshop belongs to her, so how was I supposed to know? Can you offer any suggestions as to how I start to make some friends in this place?
Milton Keynes

Dear Doreen,
It’s never nice being the new bud, although thankfully I’ve never had to experience it myself. It’s a fact of life that if you turn up to school half way through term time, you’re definitely in for some heavy bullying for at least a week, especially if you come from a strange land where they speak funny. That’s what happened to poor Sophie Tilsdale from Bolton, who arrived during double science in a duffel coat and had to tell the class all about herself. The last time any of us had heard someone speak like Sophie it was Christmas and Wallace & Gromit was on the telly. It didn’t help that she was bright ginger and had all her belongings in a Lidl carrier bag. However, coming from a part of the country where savagery is clearly the norm, it didn’t take Sophie long to start fighting back, and as far as I know she only got two toilet dunkings and a chinese burn before she won the acceptance of the class by giving Oliver French  a taste of his own medicine. So if I were you I’d take a stand, give that old cow Trixie a wedgie she’ll never forget and you’ll soon gain the acceptance you crave.
Hope that helps!