PEOPLE wearing expired festival wristbands are a limitless source of tiresome drug anecdotes, it has been claimed.
The general public has been warned against mentioning the wristbands to their wearers, who are constantly ready with monologues that are ostensibly about music and drugs but really just about how amazing they are.
A police spokesman said: “‘Banders’ will pretend to have forgotten to remove their festival passes because they are free spirits who live in the moment and are too spontaneous to own a pair of scissors.
“Clearly this is bullshit. They’re itching to tell you about some beautiful experience in the healing field that changed them in ways you, a hapless slave of the system, can barely begin to comprehend.
“They deserve to be hit with a stick.”
28-year-old bander Tom Logan said: “Oh, this Glastonbury 2014 VIP Access All Areas wristband in limited edition cerise? I forgot I even had it on.
“But since you ask I had the most beautiful Glasto experience where I took some acid, thought it hadn’t worked then woke up in my yurt at 6am tripping my tits off.
“I walked up a hill where there was a robot sculpture made of old cars and sat watching the clouds. But they weren’t normal clouds, they were deep clouds.
“Then a girl wearing fairy wings gave me some of her Orangina and we went to see some bands.”
The police spokesman said: “Also be wary of people wearing a ‘festival crew’ t-shirt in the pub or anyone driving a van that has a ‘Crew Parking Shambala 2009’ sticker on the windscreen.
“It’s probable they will be fake hippies, but genuine dickheads.”