Public worried about the health of their Jubilee bank holidays

FOLLOWING the Queen’s failure to deliver her annual address to parliament, Britain is concerned for its Jubilee bank holidays.

Her Majesty’s decision not to open Parliament for the first time since 1963 has her subjects anxious that they will not get four days off on the trot to get shitfaced.

Site manager Roy Hobbs said: “I know nobody wants to say the fateful words, but there’s a possibility we might only have a three-day weekend. And have to spend it dutifully mourning.

“I’ve been stockpiling beer and box sets for months in preparation for this. As a servant of her people, she needs to hang in there for another four weeks. It’ll be her last act of largesse to her country.”

Mary Fisher of Basingstoke said: “Four whole days. Bankrolled. In June. That’s like an extra week off for free at the best time of year. If she lets us down I’m going republican.

“Even if the unmentionable happens I think we should all turn a blind eye and have the bank holidays anyway, as a ‘celebration of her reign’ or some shit. I’ll dedicate the first two litres of white cider to her.”

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Starmer's pretense of principle proves him a duplicitous double-dealer who, wait, I’m f**king lost here, by a right-wing columnist

KEIR Stamer’s latest underhand move proves he is playing petty politics with police lives and hang on, I’m out of my f**king depth here.

Okay. Another go. Weaselly lawyer Keir is wriggling out of facing the music with the sham of pretending to lie to the public with his facade of honesty but I cannot for the life of me work out where I was going with this sentence. Shit.

What I meant to say was, with this pledge to resign Starmer has put himself in checkmate, stranding himself on the moral high ground and alienating the British public with a gamble sure to fail. Does that kind of make sense?

Yes, by saying he’ll resign if fined this ivory-tower Islington elitist has shown his contempt for solid British values like lawbreaking and.. lying to parliament… f**k. I’m floundering.

Voters can see straight through this virtue-signalling viper and know he’s only making this false promise because he’s not guilty unlike our prime minister who, no, I can’t say that. That’s the thing I can’t say.

Good riddance to this twisty master of deceit, hoist on his own petard of moralistic virtue and convicted of hypocrisy no matter what the pathetically cowed police say. Yeah? Yeah.

So yes, the man who is not guilty is the guiltiest of all, unlike straight, honest Boris who isn’t afraid to apologise for what he did wrong that wasn’t really. Done. Pretty sure anyone who gets through that bollocks won’t ever be able to follow logic ever again.