Pupils ‘must learn workplace bullshit’

GCSE pupils should learn the superfluous bullshit needed for the modern workplace, according to employers.

They warned that many school leavers are unable to bother colleagues into sponsoring them for a fun run, talk at length about their dinner plans or write arsey notes about unwashed mugs.

Businessman Bill McKay said: “Too many young people enter the workplace unaware that at least 60% of their time will be spent chatting, bickering and engaging in juvenile politics.

“One young lass didn’t understand there was a rigid hot drink rota that fills people with smouldering resentment if every single cuppa is not reciprocated.

“She’s been here a week now, and not once have I heard her complain about the smokers outside the foyer making the company look unprofessional.”

Business leaders now want the government to change the national curriculum to include skills ranging from hoarding magic markers to whining about the canteen closing at 6pm, thus inconveniencing late-working staff with no social life.

A Department of Education spokesman said: “Business leaders have told us they want more petty-minded workaholic losers, and it is the duty of the education system to provide them.

“We’re planning to get rid of GCSE Maths and English and replace them with subjects like GCSE Obsessing About How Long Your Colleagues Take For Lunch.

“Ultimately our goal is that every pupil will be the sort of co-worker you really try to avoid getting the train home with.”

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Market dips on shrinking of Beckham's balls

THE FTSE 100 has dipped after photographs showed a sharp reduction in the size of David Beckham’s testicles.

The pictures for H&M show the star’s genitalia to have shrunk by as much as 60 per cent, which experts fear will leave the UK struggling to compete in international markets.

Market analyst Tom Booker said: “When Gordon Brown, in one of his first acts of Chancellor, announced that the value of sterling would be pegged to David Beckham’s pan-sexual attractiveness it made perfect sense.

“But it was not to be, like so many other late 90s certainties, such as the coolness of combat pants or Anthea Turner and Grant Bovey’s eternal love.”

Meanwhile, George Osborne wants to link British currency to a more lasting benchmark, such as Jason Statham’s twice-yearly production of mediocre but vaguely entertaining action films.