Queen 'just so f**king woke'

THE Queen is the wokest, most politically correct person in the entire British Isles, it has emerged. 

The Lord-Lieutenant for London, Sir Ken Olisa, confirmed that Her Majesty supports Black Lives Matter, Extinction Rebellion, Stonewall and Antifa, and believes that all borders should be abolished.

He said: “I met the Queen, knelt as I believed was Royal protocol, and she joined me in taking the knee while holding her fist in a black power salute and muttering ‘Smash the state’.

“We got talking about her politics, which are strictly old-school anarchist with an underpinning of Mao and Marx, and she told me that capitalism is the real virus killing millions and that the revolution will be bloody and necessary.

“After that we discussed lighter topics like micro-aggressions, the necessity of trigger warnings, white fragility and the weaponising of white women’s tears, and the evils of cultural appropriation, all of which she’s zealous about.

“It was a lovely chat. Did I bring up her six palaces, position as head of the Commonwealth, vaults full of stolen jewels and treasures, towering white privilege or Prince Andrew?

“No. I didn’t want to be impolite.”

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'Has it got subtitles?' How to talk your way out of watching any movie

REGRETTING agreeing to sit down and watch a film tonight? Here’s how to make sure you don’t get past the first five minutes.

Discover it’s in black and white

The older a film is, the less likely it is to contain car chases, explosions or gratuitous shagging, which are the only three reasons to watch. No one ever made a good film in black and white, so if your partner starts banging on about Psycho, Citizen Kane or Some Like It Hot, tell them they’re talking crap and put on Last Action Hero.

Has it got subtitles?

Subtitled films are too much hard work: if you’d wanted to read you’d crack a book. OK, so it’s a French film, which means a high chance of nudity, but it’s not worth the risk as you can’t play with your phone for the duration if you have to constantly keep your attention on another screen. 

Look at who’s in it

A quick check of IMDB to see who’s in the cast will put you off, as you’ll realise you can’t stand one of the actors. ‘I can’t bear them’, you’ll say, ‘I saw them on Graham Norton and they seemed awful’. Brush off your partner’s logical point that they are an actor and therefore will be in character and pop Notting Hill on, because you think Rhys Ifans in pants is still hilarious after 22 years.

Realise it’s over two hours long

No film needs to be over 90 minutes long. It’s a waste of your life, as you have a busy schedule of watching repeats of things you’ve already seen. It’s a definite no-no if you start watching after 8.30pm, as the hour before bed is reserved for winding yourself up arguing with strangers on Twitter.

Watch the trailer

A trailer should be a snippet that whets your appetite. However, usually it’s a snappy two minute cut of the most exciting action, best dialogue and cleverest plot twists. Once you’ve seen it, there’s no point watching the whole film, so you can spend the rest of the evening on your passion project of mindlessly scrolling through Instagram.