Queen spends first welfare cheque on fags and cans

WITH the Crown Estate due to receive a bailout after a slump in revenue, the Queen has been spotted spending her first welfare cheque on cheap fags and booze.

Her Majesty was seen ripping the plastic from a pack of Lambert & Butler while nursing a can of Tennent’s Super outside the Windsor branch of Bargain Booze.

Passerby Susan Traherne said: “I saw this little old lady necking lager, surrounded by unkempt Corgis, and naturally tried to give her a wide berth.

“But she cornered me and insisted on rolling up the sleeve of her tracksuit to show me a tattoo of Prince Philip. At least, I think it was him. It could have been a wizened old potato.”

Queen Elizabeth II said: “Despite having been paid to do f**k all my whole life, this is a whole new level of the gravy train so one is really going for it.

“Fortunately reading the Daily Express has kept me up to date on what one should do on benefits. Now excuse me, I’m off to buy a brand new iPhone and a massive telly.”

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Five hellish things you should definitely put off until 2021

THIS year has been shit enough without attempting to sort out all the huge, festering problems in your life. So keep sweeping these things under the carpet until 2020 is over.

Repairing your relationship with your mum

If current restrictions stay in place you can’t go near her until April anyway, so you may as well cut contact entirely. Finally you get to have your own Christmas without your mum’s passive-aggressive remarks about how much Jesus achieved before he was 33.

Sorting out your finances

It is perfectly acceptable to max out your Barclaycard on Deliveroo, because that way you’re supporting key workers. Besides, the whole world is sliding into a terrifying pit of debt, so it’s important to show some solidarity.

Doing the garden

For several years the garden has been a tangle of nettles, litter and fox poo. You’ve had weeks to sort it out due to furlough but the time seemed better spent watching Loose Women and eating Magnums. But it’s basically winter now, so it’s too late.

Telling your boss where to stick it

One major downside of Covid is that you have to stay at your cesspit of a job and be extra grateful for it. But there is mercy in a longer lockdown: it gives you months to practise saying “F**k you and your monthly stationery stocktake, Trudy”.

Looking in the mirror

Coping with Covid and lockdown has left you fat and knackered. Remove all mirrors from your home and tell people you’re going through a transformative body-image process. Which is a nice way of saying you’ve really let yourself go.