Sunday, 1st November 2020

Queen spends first welfare cheque on fags and cans

WITH the Crown Estate due to receive a bailout after a slump in revenue, the Queen has been spotted spending her first welfare cheque on cheap fags and booze.

Her Majesty was seen ripping the plastic from a pack of Lambert & Butler while nursing a can of Tennent’s Super outside the Windsor branch of Bargain Booze.

Passerby Susan Traherne said: “I saw this little old lady necking lager, surrounded by unkempt Corgis, and naturally tried to give her a wide berth.

“But she cornered me and insisted on rolling up the sleeve of her tracksuit to show me a tattoo of Prince Philip. At least, I think it was him. It could have been a wizened old potato.”

Queen Elizabeth II said: “Despite having been paid to do f**k all my whole life, this is a whole new level of the gravy train so one is really going for it.

“Fortunately reading the Daily Express has kept me up to date on what one should do on benefits. Now excuse me, I’m off to buy a brand new iPhone and a massive telly.”