Quick-thinking husband pushes rubbish down in bin rather than changing it

AN INGENIOUS man has pushed the rubbish down in the bin again, saving everyone the hassle of changing it.

While a less inventive mind might have removed the bag, Tom Booker opted instead to push down the decaying food thus making room for a tiny amount of extra detritus.

He said: “My wife and I had a talk the other day about me helping around the house more, so I’m being a lot more proactive.

“She didn’t even have to ask me, I just jumped right in and squashed it all down. That’ll buy us a couple of days.”  

He added that he wasn’t sure why she was now looking at him in that weird way, although thought it could be something to do with the smell in the kitchen.

Booker will now completely forget about the dense, festering block of rubbish until it inevitably breaks through the bag as his wife carries it out later tonight.

By way of retaliation, she will be leaving enough hair in the shower drain this week to construct a Chewbacca costume.

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Why I would rather a man who was blackout drunk flew my plane than a woman

by Wayne Hayes, opinion owner

A BRITISH Airways pilot was disgracefully sent to jail just for being more than four times over the alcohol limits before a long-haul flight to Mauritius. 

But the health and safety Nazis have got it wrong again. Because I, like every passenger on that plane, would rather be flown by a male pilot so drunk he was slurring obscenities and punching out at thin air than by a woman.

Flying, like driving, is done mainly on muscle memory. A relaxing few doubles, and perhaps a quick fag while waiting for a clear runway, actually gives a male pilot the clear head he needs.

Lady pilots, on the other hand, are such perfectionists, demanding everything be done their way, that they fall apart and ground their planes at the slightest dodgy reading or fuel leak.

A male who’s had a few finds worries about weather, whining passengers and ‘pre-approved flight plans’ just melt away so he can get on with being the stick-and-rudder flyer he was born to be.

Women? Desperate to please. Every time they hear the ding of a passenger’s call light, their natural cabin crew instinct is to leap up and refresh their drink. They can barely remember they’re meant to be at the controls!

And when it comes to landing? Well. Ever see a woman try to reverse into a parking space? I’ll let you into a little secret: no female pilot has ever landed a plane. They ask their co-pilot to do it.

Meanwhile their male counterparts, as long as they’ve been kept topped up to stop dangerous hangovers kicking in, can barrel in blindfolded and still land their aircraft with pinpoint precision. It’s in the blood.

And before anyone calls this sexist, it isn’t. It’s just science.