Rampant inflation and other things that should stay in the Nineties

THE price of everything is going up at levels not seen for three decades. If only rampant inflation and these other things could have stayed in the Nineties:

Rampant inflation

The Nineties revival has finally got round to the nation’s wallets as inflation hits highs not seen since for 30 years. Weirdly it’s details like this which nostalgic Gen Xers seem to overlook when they pine for the days of grunge and good episodes of The Simpsons. There wasn’t even any wi-fi back then either. It was practically mediaeval.

Misguided British pride

For some people the 2020s is all about doubling down on the idea of Global Britain, whereas the Nineties was madly in love with Britpop. Both involve an obscene amount of flag waving, but at least die hard Brexiteers didn’t coin the phrase ‘Cool Britannia’. In retrospect it’s hard to tell if catchy indie pop was worse than leaving the EU.

Politicians committing crimes

Yes, Boris Johnson is the first sitting prime minister found to have broken the law. However the politicians of the Nineties weren’t exactly immaculate saints in comparison. At time of writing Johnson hasn’t followed an American president into war on the grounds of false intelligence, although give it 24 hours because that would be a convenient distraction.

Russian invasions

Russia spent a fair amount of the Nineties rolling tanks into whichever neighbouring state had annoyed it that day. It was as if they were trying to re-establish some sort of union of Soviet countries, and Russia still clings on to its idealised past like a 50 year-old raver who misses acid house. It was never as good as you remember.

Flared jeans

Truly the most unforgivable sin of the Nineties. Wearing flared jeans was like walking around with two pairs of perpetually damp denim sails billowing around your ankles. In this age of austerity that excess fabric could be used to clothe a family of four with enough material spare to whip up a few hammocks. Worst of all they looked f**king awful.

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How to cope with an annoying bastard having a banging sex life in a shared house

LIVING with a flatmate who goes at it night and day? Here’s how to cope with the annoyance and envy of them constantly getting some:

Ignore them

The most effective way to make a problem disappear is to pretend it isn’t happening. When your other flatmates ask if you were woken by the infuriating shrieks of pleasure coming from the shower this morning, simply say no. The deeper you bury the trauma in your subconscious, the less of a problem it will be. For now.

Make your own noise

Try to drown out the sound of their squeaking bed frame by making even more noise yourself. Obviously not from sex as you never get lucky, but Spotify should do the trick. They’ll struggle to maintain their sexy vibe with the Requiem For A Dream soundtrack pulsing miserably through the wall.

Take the piss

If you can’t solve the problem, you can at least get some laughs out of it. Pranks such as recording the audio of your flatmate shagging and playing it through the kitchen speaker when their parents come to visit will hopefully humiliate them into never feeling in the mood again.

Sabotage them

There’s no better way to switch off sex noises than to cut them off at source. If you can’t seduce your flatmate’s shag buddy yourself, which seems unlikely given the highly skilled erotic sessions they sound like they’re engaging in, go with simpler forms of sabotage.  A genital wart removal kit left somewhere conspicuous in their room should do it.

Move house

If you move to another flat, you’re sure to find respectful, tidy and perenially-single-and-yet-not-at-all-creepy flatmates waiting for you there, right? Or at the very least people who don’t attempt to quietly hump under a blanket when you’re all watching Netflix together and think no one will notice.