Red-faced old men demand army adverts aimed at them

OVERWEIGHT middle-aged men who the army could not use even to soak up bullets have demanded recruitment ads be aimed directly at them. 

The men, who have never fought in a war but still act like beating the Nazis was somehow down to them, have spoken out against new adverts targeted at young people. 

Denys Finch Hatton of Hereford said: “Gay? Gay? We need fighting bloody men, like me and my friends down the Rotary Club would’ve been if we’d joined up when we were younger, which we didn’t. 

“They don’t want men with crying and sexualities. They want proper lads who’ll take out Jerry – or whoever – with a steady trigger finger and a devilish smile playing about their lips.” 

Army recruiter Nikki Hollis said: “Oddly enough, paunchy gentlemen who wheeze at the top of stairs and shout ‘Traitor!’ at Huw Edwards are not our preferred recruitment demographic. 

“We need fresh-faced, healthy young people who are trans-friendly, unafraid to cry and are ready to turn their anger at the state of the country into violence against others. 

“Will they, when trained killers, realise that it’s the red-faced bastards’ fault they can’t buy a house and turn on them? Could do. Could do. Still, not my problem.” 

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Bankers are the only people we give a shit about, Davis tells EU

DAVID Davis has told the EU that he does not really give a shit about any British business except financial services.

The Brexit minister has flown to Germany to explain that he does not care if the UK’s agriculture, manufacturing, creative and retail sectors collapse tomorrow as long as the City of London is safe. 

He continued: “The rest of the country? I’m not even sure if it’s real. Certainly not in any way that matters. 

“We basically needs a deal that suits this one square mile and then the rest of it can sort itself out. Mass starvation or passporting for UK-based banks? Come on. You know my priorities. It’s not polite to make me say it. 

“And you need us just as much as we need you. Who caused the 2008 financial crisis? British banks, my friends, British banks. 

“Tell you what, if we can get this sorted today, I’ll let you guys write the rest of the deal while I go home and resign. I’ve got a job waiting at Coutts, you see.”