Remainer with no chance of working abroad won't f**king shut up about working abroad

A REMAINER is convinced Brexit will stop him having an amazing life in a different country even though he is extremely talentless.

Tom Booker, 28, has been boring friends and family with speeches about being robbed of the chance to get a top job in Europe, even though he only has three poor GCSEs and a D in A-level Film Studies.

Booker said: “Ending freedom of movement is an appalling attack on my right to have creepy fantasies about sitting in a sauna with attractive blonde Swedish ladies.

“If I moved to Sweden or Italy I’d definitely get an amazing job, unlike my current string of depressing temp roles. That’s just how it works. It’s automatic.

“But now leaving the EU has ruined my life. I’ll probably spend the next 40 years doing something pointless with Excel spreadsheets and there’s no one to blame except Brexiters.

“People have said you can still work in Europe but I don’t agree. Looks like I’ll never be able to experience that incredible challenge that would be loads of hassle and could easily go wrong.”

Booker’s mum Patricia said: “It’s a terrible shame Tom can’t get a job abroad learning new languages and skills and enriching himself in another culture.

“Because we’d really like to see the back of him.”

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People who wear their company logo outside work 'usually twats'

EMPLOYEES of large companies who wear their company logo in their leisure time are usually prize bellends, it has emerged.

The Institute for Studies found that wearing t-shirts and baseball caps showing you work for a faceless corporation strongly correlated with being a knob.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It’s clearly intended to show you’re making good money, but companies like Vodafone are massive. You could be the person who cleans the bogs.

“Our research showed anyone wearing, say, a PricewaterhouseCoopers polo shirt had a high risk of wanking on about money, tedious business trips to Stuttgart and saying ‘yah’.

“However it does have certain benefits. If you’re wearing a Barclays Capital baseball cap you can easily be identified by other twats so you can talk about business instead of enjoying a lovely day in the park.

“If someone approaches you not only wearing a corporate fleece but also carrying a company umbrella, my advice is to run like fuck before they tell you about their ‘pretty sweet package’.”

Investment banker Martin Bishop said: “My corporate clothing makes me feel part of an elite tribe of high earners, although I typically work a 20-hour day and can’t remember my children’s names.

“I think one’s called Rufus. No, that’s the dog.”