Five entertaining ways to trigger a gammon

ANGRY red-faced men are always criticising ‘snowflakes’ but are surprisingly easily triggered themselves. Why not set them off with these made-up ‘facts’?

The army is becoming transgender
Gammons will accept any bollocks about certain hot topics, so tell them every British squaddie is being forced to change sex. The Paras are changing their name to The Girly Gender Benders Regiment.

If you’re feeling particularly sadistic, add plenty of ‘convincing’ detail, eg. the SAS will have to wear sports bras to support their impressive norks while storming embassies, and one of their ammo pouches will be reserved for tampons.

Millennials will get free protective suits
Young people are so delicate they’re getting padded suits to protect them from everyday life. A high-tech helmet will block out offensive sights such as people eating steak and normal heterosexual blokes giving their wife a playful pat on the arse.

Being a white male is becoming illegal
Gammons often mention this, but are they aware it’s really happening thanks to the upcoming Pub Bore Resettlement Act 2018? This fictitious piece of legislation will force them to live in politically correct camps where they have to sing Baa Baa Rainbow Lesbian Sheep all day.

Any extremely unbelievable garbage about Islam
● To avoid upsetting Muslims, Crufts is going to replace dogs with mice.

● Big Ben is now a mosque. Regional gammons hate London, so this is clearly true.

● Dentists are becoming halal. This does not even make sense but they’ll still be furious.

The secret deal to become part of France
Tell them that the government has done a secret deal to make us part of France. Look gutted as you describe driving on the right, garlic-and-snail Big Macs and how the Queen will have hairy armpits. Grown men will sob uncontrollably in Spoons.


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Relief as big wine shop stockpiles shit loads of extra bevvy

A WINE shop that is stockpiling as much as booze as possible has been praised for its deep understanding of Britain.

Majestic Wines is loading up with 1.5m extra bottles in the event of a no-deal Brexit so that it can continue to make money and help prevent widespread anarchy.

Grateful boozehound Tom Logan said: “Fuck Rees-Mogg and his gang of spivs – this is real patriotism.

“This is what it means to actually give a damn about your country. Finally me and my pisshead friends feel that someone is looking out for us when this all goes tits up.”

A government spokesman said: “Majestic are acting in the national interest and we would encourage other purveyors of bevvy to do the same.

“If this country runs low on booze it will make Mad Max will look like A Room With a View.”