Five entertaining ways to trigger a gammon

ANGRY red-faced men are always criticising ‘snowflakes’ but are surprisingly easily triggered themselves. Why not set them off with these made-up ‘facts’?

The army is becoming transgender

Gammons will accept any bollocks about certain hot topics, so tell them every British squaddie is being forced to change sex. The Paras are changing their name to The Girly Gender Benders Regiment.

If you’re feeling particularly sadistic, add plenty of ‘convincing’ detail, eg. the SAS will have to wear sports bras to support their impressive norks while storming embassies, and one of their ammo pouches will be reserved for tampons.

Millennials will get free protective suits

Young people are so delicate they’re getting padded suits to protect them from everyday life. A high-tech helmet will block out offensive sights such as people eating steak and normal heterosexual blokes giving their wife a playful pat on the arse.

Being a white male is becoming illegal

Gammons often mention this, but are they aware it’s really happening thanks to the upcoming Pub Bore Resettlement Act 2018? This fictitious piece of legislation will force them to live in politically correct camps where they have to sing Baa Baa Rainbow Lesbian Sheep all day.

Any extremely unbelievable garbage about Islam

● To avoid upsetting Muslims, Crufts is going to replace dogs with mice.

● Big Ben is now a mosque. Regional gammons hate London, so this is clearly true.

● Dentists are becoming halal. This does not even make sense but they’ll still be furious.

May’s secret deal to become part of France  

Gammons hate ‘remain traitor’ Theresa May with a vengeance because she’s not quite daft enough to deliver their precious hard Brexit. So tell them we’re becoming part of France.

Look gutted as you describe driving on the right, garlic-and-snail Big Macs and how the Queen will have hairy armpits. Grown men will sob uncontrollably in Spoons.