Renters delighted to keep buying houses for other people

GOVERNMENT plans for more rented housing have been welcomed by renters who like paying other people’s mortgages.

Generous tenants are happy to pay continually rising rents if it helps landlords achieve their dream of owning multiple properties.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “It’s a struggle paying over a grand a month for my tiny flat, but worth it to know my landlord Gavin will be financially secure when he retires.

“People say there’s no long-term benefit from renting, but they’re forgetting the warm glow I get from imagining him seeing his portfolio go up in value and retiring to Bermuda.

“He’s a good landlord who isn’t afraid to splash out on new incredibly cheap furniture when I need it.”

Artist Nikki Hollis said: “I love helping landlords pay their mortgages. It’s just a shame I have to keep moving when they sell the place to get the cash.

“My landlord has lots of properties, so it will be good to know I supported a plucky entrepreneur when I’m 70 and living in some sort of state compound for people who never bought a house.

“Sometimes I think it would be nice to be a landlord too, but I’m one of those weird people who isn’t obsessed with money.”

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Staff at cool bar hate you and themselves equally

THE nonchalant, arrogant staff at a hipster bar hate themselves just as much as they hate you, they have admitted.

Employees at ‘Totes Jelly!’ in London’s Old Street confessed they treat their clientele like their presence is a massive inconvenience to hide the shame they are feeling inside.

Cocktail curator Nathan Muir said:  “Anyone who wants to drink a ‘Fellini Martini’ from a jam-jar in a poorly lit former shoe shop deserves to be treated like dirt. That’s a given.

“But who’s the real asshole, the social media manager paying £14 for a drink that’s four quid at Wetherspoons, or the guy earning £6.70 an hour serving it?

“No, I won’t turn down the xylophone cover version of Hotline Bling. No, I don’t care if your girlfriend ripped her vintage Bronski Beat t-shirt on the rusty primary school chair.

“You knew you were trapped in an irritating nightmare when you walked through the reclaimed submarine hatch. And so did I.”

Logan added: “I hate this beard. And this retro sailor-themed tattoo. I wish I was an accountant.”