Rest of country told to be more like place everyone hates living in

THE government is to make all towns more like the capital, with an increase in hostility and chicken shops.

Yes to buildings that look like cocks

Yes to buildings that look like cocks

In order to ensure full Londonification is in place by 2015, Liberal Democrat minister Vince Cable has announced that everyone’s rent or mortgage payments will be doubled with immediate effect.

Properties that become unaffordable will be seized and donated to sandwich shop chain Pret A Manger.

Cable said: “London is one of the most expensive cities in the world, but has an unrivalled reputation when it comes to galleries, theatre and public toilets in railway stations.

“If we make houses equally, cripplingly expensive across the country, we think every town could get its own Tate. Maybe even a Jamie’s Italian too.”

London blogger Wayne Hayes, whose website My City’s Shitter Than Your City attracts over a million hits a month, said: “My livelihood is based on pointing out the whimsical, specific aspects of London life, like riding on the bus and eating bagels.

“I refuse to share my spotlight with people from the provinces.”

Helen Archer, a teacher living in Somerset said: “A few of my school friends moved to London and they’re always boasting about how their rents got so high that they had to move to Zone 5.

“I can’t wait to find out what that actually means.”