Rest of country told to be more like place everyone hates living in

THE government is to make all towns more like the capital, with an increase in hostility and chicken shops.

In order to ensure full Londonification is in place by 2015, Liberal Democrat minister Vince Cable has announced that everyone’s rent or mortgage payments will be doubled with immediate effect.

Properties that become unaffordable will be seized and donated to sandwich shop chain Pret A Manger.

Cable said: “London is one of the most expensive cities in the world, but has an unrivalled reputation when it comes to galleries, theatre and public toilets in railway stations.

“If we make houses equally, cripplingly expensive across the country, we think every town could get its own Tate. Maybe even a Jamie’s Italian too.”

London blogger Wayne Hayes, whose website My City’s Shitter Than Your City attracts over a million hits a month, said: “My livelihood is based on pointing out the whimsical, specific aspects of London life, like riding on the bus and eating bagels.

“I refuse to share my spotlight with people from the provinces.”

Helen Archer, a teacher living in Somerset said: “A few of my school friends moved to London and they’re always boasting about how their rents got so high that they had to move to Zone 5.

“I can’t wait to find out what that actually means.”

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Time running backwards

WORKERS have reported experiencing a reversal of time in the final hours before their Christmas break.

Unusual chronological phenomena including clocks running backwards, colleagues talking in very slow deep voices and dropped paperclips falling upwards have been reported across the UK.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The collective desperation of millions of people to get the fuck out of work appears to have reversed the trajectory of time.

“I’ve been looking at the clock every two minutes since I arrived this morning, and the big hand is slowly but surely going in reverse.

“This probably tells us something about the subjective nature of time and the power of the collective consciousness to influence it, but whatever I want to get in the pub like asap.

“Interestingly, people who have to work next Monday and Tuesday are not experiencing anything unusual. Just the same old hollow feeling.”

Office manager Tom Booker said: “I’ve been to the toilet twenty times this morning, just for something to do, yet time-wise I’ve apparently been here minus eight minutes.

“Maybe this hangover has damaged my cerebral cortex but I’m sure the skin on my hands is starting to look softer and younger.

“Oh God I might have to experience the office party all over again.”