Rest of UK puzzled by tunnel linking Kent and Essex as they are identical

MOST of Britain is struggling to understand why a £6.8bn tunnel is being built to link Kent and Essex as the two are essentially identical. 

The new six-lane tunnel would stretch for 2.4 miles under the Thames just so boring Southerners who work in the City can go somewhere exactly the same as the place they just left. 

Mary Fisher of Manchester said: “What’s the point? Same fizzy beer, same flat green fields, same braying knobheads. They might as well build it in a loop so it comes out where it went in. 

“It’s like these people who differentiate north London and south London. It’s fucking London. Chicken shops and fancy dickheads. 

“If they’re building a tunnel, they should put it where there’ll be a real contrast. Say between Glasgow and Bristol, or Cardiff and civilisation. Make it worth the bother.” 

Julian Cook of Hythe, in Kent, said: “I agree this tunnel should not be built. We have nothing in common with those yahoos across the river. We are far superior. 

“And Surrey? Ugh. You can’t call that Britain.” 

BBC claims real 'Strictly curse' is being unable to stop making it

THE BBC has claimed the real ‘Strictly curse’ is not cheating partners but being unable to cancel the shit-yet-popular show. 

A BBC spokesman said: “We’ve tried to get rid of it but it keeps appearing on the channel like some televisual spectre of 1983. 

“It takes up so much electricity, wrecks relationships and gives those oddballs on the judging panel a career when they should be running a chain of nursing homes in Shropshire.

“We desperately want to dump Strictly and bring back Rentaghost, but the problem is you fuckers keep watching it.

“Have you seen what’s on ITV at the same time? It’s probably X Factor, or Brian Conley reuniting long-lost relatives. For Christ’s sake point your eyeballs at that instead.”