Rich banned from digging tunnels to escape miserable lives

KENSINGTON and Chelsea council is to stop billionaire residents from digging escape tunnels that allow them to live like normal people.

Planning applications for subterranean garages, swimming pools and torture dungeons were a front for creating a network of tunnels allowing the super-rich to enjoy ordinary life.

Trophy wife Susan Traherne said: “A trick bookshelf in the underground library leads to a hidden trapdoor in the changing room of H&M, where I work.

“Every day I sneak out from my prison of opulence to man the till, eat lacklustre sandwiches from M&S, and to feel things like tiredness and camaraderie.

“It’s deliciously mundane. I’m saving up my wages to buy a 2002 Fiat Punto with 70,000 miles on the clock, instead of always having to scrape my bum along the road in that bloody Lamborghini.”

Bond broker Julian Cook said: “My tunnel leads into the sewers, where I keep a hi-vis jacket and hard hat.

“I pop up from a manhole, my face all grimy, and go to talk about football with ordinary people in a pub.”

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Yorkshire residents terrified they could be made Leeds United owner

THE cobbled streets of Yorkshire are empty as residents cower in their homes, terrified they could be made the new owner of Leeds United.

Scouts are hunting for a fall guy to take control of the club while current owner Massimo Cellino, found guilty of being Italian, steps down until next March.

54-year-old Bill McKay said: “You can’t have a pint without fear of being press-ganged and waking up with that white rose in your buttonhole, marked for life.

“Just look at the previous incumbents: Peter Ridsdale and Ken Bates, neither of whom will ever be served in a Betty’s Tea Rooms ever again.

“Homing pigeons go ten miles out of their way to shit on their heads.”

A Leeds spokesman said: “It is true that we are having difficulty finding anyone willing to take on the debts and opprobrium of heading the most loathed club in English football. No, the world.

“We need someone who is already unpopular. Maybe Geoffrey Boycott, or one of those puppets from the Wonga adverts.”