THIS year’s Sunday Times Rich List includes guideline ransom figures for kidnapped billionaires.
The information details how much of each person’s wealth is in liquid assets, where they’re most vulnerable and possible areas for blackmail.
Sunday Times acting editor Martin Ivens said: “The Rich List is a fixture of the newspaper, but in previous years has only contained information that is entirely useless to the masses.
“People just weren’t getting anything from learning that the bloke from Foxtons is now worth more than such-and-such a steel magnate, other than a sense that they fucking hated them all.
With that in mind weve now included the home addresses of the rich, patterns of their movements and a rough idea of how much unmarked cash their loved ones can stuff into a holdall within 24 hours.
Reaction has been incredible, and the first bloodied packages containing severed toes should be couriered to trophy wives this very morning.
Criminal Nathan Muir said: My dad always swore by Debretts New Peerage when he were hunting rich people for money or sport, but in todays post-Thatcher classless society you need something more comprehensive.
This Rich List tells us exactly which billionaires are worth torturing until they give us the combination to their jewellery safes. God bless the Murdoch press.