Richest one per cent have 99 per cent of the world's dark secrets

THE world’s wealthiest one per cent also have most of the dark, messed-up secrets, it has emerged.

Experts at the Institute for Studies found that super-rich ‘one-per-centers’ all have disturbing things in their past which you would not believe even if they showed you photographic evidence.

Billionaire Tom Booker said: “I didn’t get where I am today without doing some monstrous things that had to remain concealed.

“For example, I have a secret twin brother who was born with one leg shorter than the other. We dressed him as a girl, renamed him ‘Molly’ and had him imprisoned in a Scottish castle so that he didn’t compromise the family bloodline.

“A journalist found out about it so I had her thrown down a well and made it look like an accident.

“I can tell you these things now that I am so rich as to be above the law, but there’s some other stuff about the long term health effects of fizzy drinks that I must take to my grave.”

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Toddler strangely not into pub

A COUPLE are baffled as to why their three-year-old child did not enjoy a trip to the pub.

Tom and Emma Logan’s son Jasper spent his time at the Grey Wolf pub in Macclesfield looking bored or howling tearfully, despite its recent refurbishment and excellent range of beers.

Marketing manager Tom said: “I don’t understand what Jasper’s problem is. Maybe for some reason he wasn’t enjoying his orange squash as much as I enjoyed those pints of Czech lager.

“It can’t be the conversation, because Emma and I swapped funny work stories, and our divorced friend Jeff came over and really made us laugh with his latest internet dating disaster.

“Unfortunately Jasper was determined not to enjoy himself, even though we allowed him to explore the interesting space underneath the table.

All attempts to interest Jasper in child-friendly pub activities like playing on the quiz machine or reading The Observer failed, and getting him to use a “magic” Dyson hand dryer in the toilets merely resulted in screams of terror.

Emma Bradford said: “People were actually giving us dirty looks. But if an infant doesn’t belong in the pub, where do they belong?”