Royal wedding is fantastic news, says everyone in Cheltenham branch of Waitrose

THE royal wedding is incredibly exciting, according to all the wealthy white people in the Cheltenham branch of Waitrose.

‘Comfortable’ housewife who has a massive kitchen table Mary Fisher said: “We’ll probably have a semi-ironic street party with bunting and high quality cold meats, from a local organic farm run by someone my  husband knows from London.

“It’ll be lovely, we don’t often see the neighbours because our street is all large, really nice detached houses with lots of space between them.”

Fellow rich attractive woman who keeps falling for online scams Emma Bradford added: “I can’t wait to stand on the street waving a very small Union Jack around my head next Spring.

“I hope they have kids because that’ll be an excuse for me to talk about choosing private schools in a subtly boastful manner. Because ‘our two’ are currently at a very good school.”

However Donna Sheridan, who sells the Big Issue outside the supermarket, said: “Is he the one who dressed up as a Nazi that time?”

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Thank you for distracting everyone from my shit-show of a government, May tells Meghan


THERESA May has thanked Meghan Markle for creating a temporary distraction from the never-ending shit-show the Tories have created.

The prime minister telephoned the latest royal bride to say it was ‘probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for her’.

A Downing Street source said: “It’s so good having all these stories about wedding bullshit while we continue to fuck everything into a cocked hat.

“When all you can do is get up in the morning and lay waste to everything you set eyes on, knowing that someone else will be dominating the news really takes the pressure off.”

The source added: “If anything we’ll be able to really crank up this shit factory.”

Mrs May said: “We must all now unite behind the great national project of ensuring that Prince Harry and the lovely Meghan have the finest wedding in the history of the world.

“Everything else is completely irrelevant.”