Wetherspoon drinkers demand earlier opening hours

WETHERSPOON customers are demanding that the pub chain opens its doors at five in the morning.

Regulars have asked the pub company to bring forward opening times from 8am, to ensure that they do not waste the early morning in sobriety.

Norman Steele, who basically lives at his local Wetherspoon, said: “Being forced to wait until daylight before we can begin our morning’s imbibing is an abuse of our human rights.

“Society is skewed towards the fickle demands of the evening drinker, or worse, the weekend drinker.

“We, true connoisseurs of seeing a blurry double-image of Kay Burley as she appears at 10am on the mounted telly screen with the sound turned off, demand our voices are heard.”

Steele underlined seasoned drinkers’ importance as a force for social change: 
“You know when you go to Gatwick and have that 8am pint before departure? Who do you think won you that privilege? Do you know how many capillaries we had to burst in our noses to get them to open that early?

“All we ask, as we approach the twilight years of our early 50s, is that we might enjoy our first guest ale of the day just as the sun is rising over the William Hill across the road.”