Sadomasochistic train company asks 'how did we do?'

A HELLISH, self-loathing train company has emailed its passengers asking to be told just how shit they are.

Southern Railways emailed its customers with the question ‘how did we do?’ in full knowledge that they did fucking awful.

Customer Tom Booker said, “You can only assume they’re getting off on these feedback forms. The first question was ‘On a scale of 1-10, how likely are you to recommend us to your friends and family? To which I obviously put 1.”

“They asked me to explain why, so I said, ‘Because absolutely everything about your service is a fucked-up nightmare from start to finish.

“They then asked me to attach some nipple clamps to them while telling them I had a 40 minute delay which meant I missed my connection and had to get a taxi home which cost me 25 quid.

“The next question started with, ‘Ooh, yes, we really are a very bad service, aren’t we? Now tell us about your experience at the station and don’t leave out how little the staff gave a shit about your delay’.”

A Southern spokesman added: “We do our utmost to maintain a high standard at all times. Now slap us hard in the face and call us a ‘manky train bitch’.”

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A 'freakshake' is not Rees-Mogg being tasered, stress health campaigners

HEALTH campaigners have stressed that a ‘freakshake’ is not Jacob Rees-Mogg juddering uncontrollably as hundreds of volts surge through his body.

A spokesman for Action on Sweetness said: “After we put out the press release we realised that a lot of people had absolutely no idea what a ‘freakshake’ is and may be forced to come up with their own definition.

“It’s a big, syrupy milkshake with a cake in it. It’s not Rees-Mogg in the midst of a right good tasering from a righteous but over-enthusiastic copper.”

The spokesman added: “Rees-Mogg is incredibly bad for you. Unfortunately the only people who can really put a stop to him are his constituents in North Somerset.

“As far as we understand he is either related to or owns most of them, so don’t hold your breath.”