'Mocktail' drinker secretly adding a load of vodka

A ‘MOCKTAIL’ drinker has admitted she secretly adds a ‘great deal of vodka’ to her absurd, teetotal concoctions.

Despite the envious compliments from her friends that she can enjoy a night out on nothing but apple juice and tonic water, Nikki Hollis confirmed that by her fifth ‘mock martini’ she can barely pronounce the word ‘apple’.

Hollis said: “The trick is to be two drinks behind everyone else so they don’t notice your bullshit fruit thing is highly flammable and your skirt is tucked into your knickers.

“If you do it right, people will think you’re ‘high on life’ when in fact you’re actually just drunk. On vodka.”

She has vowed that on her next night out she will stay sober and listen patiently to her friends as they get drunk and explain all the reasons why they are better than everyone else.

Hollis said: “I just wanted to seem superior to all my friends while getting absolutely wankered. Does that make me a bad person?”

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Man who retweets feminist memes can't understand why women still don't like him

A MAN who shares feminist memes online cannot work out why women behave ‘like such rude bitches’.

Tom Logan, 26, has repeatedly used his social media channels to ‘help dismantle the patriarchy’, posting several Beyonce gifs, a Lena Dunham quote and a picture of himself captioned with the phrase ‘This is what a feminist looks like’.

But, according to Logan, despite his ‘enlightened stance’, the women he approaches are ‘still acting like complete bitches’.

He said: “If a woman is hot and I tell her that, it’s a compliment – she should be happy. It’s the same when I shout ‘nice arse’ – that’s a good thing, you should feel empowered, not act like such a frigid cow.”

Logan is frustrated that such ungrateful behaviour also prevails on Tinder, where his bio now reads: ‘I guess nice guys do finish last’.

In a few weeks, Logan will turn his attention to the struggle for racial equality, sharing a series of half-understood #BlackLivesMatter memes and a photo of him with his one black colleague.