A ‘MOCKTAIL’ drinker has admitted she secretly adds a ‘great deal of vodka’ to her absurd, teetotal concoctions.
Despite the envious compliments from her friends that she can enjoy a night out on nothing but apple juice and tonic water, Nikki Hollis confirmed that by her fifth ‘mock martini’ she can barely pronounce the word ‘apple’.
Hollis said: “The trick is to be two drinks behind everyone else so they don’t notice your bullshit fruit thing is highly flammable and your skirt is tucked into your knickers.
“If you do it right, people will think you’re ‘high on life’ when in fact you’re actually just drunk. On vodka.”
She has vowed that on her next night out she will stay sober and listen patiently to her friends as they get drunk and explain all the reasons why they are better than everyone else.
Hollis said: “I just wanted to seem superior to all my friends while getting absolutely wankered. Does that make me a bad person?”