Satan announces cut in soul prices

THE devil has announced a reduction in the fee paid for human souls.

An eternal soul, which used to earn diabolical powers which granted all the pleasure of the world for 24 years under terms negotiated by Faust, is now priced at £575 a year for life or a £12,400 lump sum.

Satan said: “The price of souls isn’t what it was, but thanks to affinity deals with commercial partners we can offer more than twice your soul’s cash value if you take it in Argos vouchers.”

The deal condemns the seller to an eternity of indescribable torment after death but does include a privilege card for half-price starters at Nando’s.

The devil warned that the price could fall further if life on Earth continued to spiral into worthlessness.

He continued: “There’s been a glut recently because so many software user agreements – Apple, Gmail, Spotify – actually include forfeiture of the soul in a bit nobody reads.

Civil servant Julian Cook said: “Post-credit crunch, Beelzebub Finance actually offered one of the better deals on the market.

“0% finance and the chance to get your soul back if you paid in full within three years.

“Which I was going to do, but I spent the money on a new kitchen.”

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Siberian virus not at all like 'The Thing' say weirdly glassy-eyed scientists

AN ANCIENT virus found beneath the Siberian permafrost cannot infect and control humans, according to scientists with odd monotone voices.

Researchers at a remote research base said the virus, which had been dormant in the ice for thousands of years, is not a threat and definitely nothing like the shape-shifting evil in John Carpenter’s horror film The Thing.

Ice station scientist Stephen Malley said: “Do not be concerned. All is well here and will remain well.

“The virus will not harm you or make you a helpless, puppet host organism.

“We are having fun here and doing normal human things.

“We look forward to seeing our families and learning more about their technology.”