Schools to blow budget windfall on electricity, furniture and books

UK schools are treating themselves to luxuries like pens, textbooks and buckets to catch leaks after receiving a Budget windfall from the government.

Headteachers across the country are struggling to believe their luck and are indulging in a crazed spending spree.

Joanna Kramer, head of Elm Tree Primary in Rutland said: “Pencils, a new football for PE, and chairs. Those pupils who’ve been taking it in turns to sit on each others’ backs are going to feel like kings.”

Secondary English teacher Nathan Muir agreed: “It’ll be great to hold our fundraising Summer Fayre only in the summer, instead of every Friday.

“That said, teaching kids to steal toilet paper actually gives them marketable skills, and I actually quite enjoyed teaching by candlelight in the winter. It really helped with Dickens.”

Asked if any funding could be found to increase teachers’ pay, a government spokesman said: “No. We’re against that.”

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Tories to keep eating each other until there is just one big Tory left

THE Conservatives have confirmed they will continue to eat each other until only one giant, bloated Tory remains.

The party rejected a call from Theresa May to stop fighting, agreeing that it is not the Tory way and their feeding frenzy must now continue to its logical conclusion.

Julian Cook, MP for Wiltshire North, said: “We’ve tried doing it their way. We let May float to the top even though she was pale and weak with no venom in her smile.

“Now we’re doing it properly. It’s every Conservative for himself. We  are feral and we are ready.”

He added: “Brexiter is consuming Brexiter, Remainer consuming Remainer, the wets are feasting on the hardliners and the middle class on the aristocrats. It’s nature red in tooth and claw, and it is glorious.

“When the gore finally clears, when the last parasitical special adviser has darted back to the safety of a PR consultancy, a single vast, engorged Tory will be left as the country’s rightful ruler.

“Attenborough’s filming it for the BBC.”