Eternal vengeance sworn on van driver by motorist who really means it this time

A MOTORIST has solemnly promised the van driver who cut him up that this time he really will ruin his life. 

Joe Turner, from Stafford, admitted  he has sworn such vows before only to forget them, but that will not be the case today because his rage will never fade.

He continued: “Oh, I see you, motherfucker. I see you but you will not see me.

“I am going to follow you home and find out your name and one day, when you don’t suspect it, when you’ve forgotten all about the Kia Sportage you cut up on the A34 one sunny July day, I will turn you life into absolute chaos.

“This isn’t like that lorry on the M6, or the Vauxhall Zafira on the school run, or that Audi about five minutes ago. This is my life’s mission now.

“Don’t bother looking in your wing mirrors, not that you fucking do anyway, because you will never know when I’m coming – shit, this is my turn-off.”

Turner then forgot completely about the incident, but the threat was seamlessly taken up by driver Helen Archer who was cut off by the same van less than 200 yards further on.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Brexit food shortages to turn allotment owners into gods

THE UK’s coming food shortages will make the nation’s allotment gardeners into the undisputed rulers of the country, experts have confirmed.

As rocketing prices and scarcity of produce become increasingly likely in the wake of Brexit, those with the ability to grow their own fruit and vegetables are poised to receive the universal adulation they always believed they deserved.

62-year-old Norman Steele, who grows the largest marrows in Lincolnshire, said: “I will wield my power with compassion and clemency.

“My organic broccoli will be dispensed to anyone who needs it, favouring anyone not related to those kids who call me a ‘cardigan nonce’. They can starve.

“And I shouldn’t think I’ll be short of attention from the ladies when I’m the only source of vitamins for miles around. I’ll be banging like a shed door in the wind, which reminds me I must get that fixed.”

Keen allotment gardener and Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn said: “My prize-winning turnips are not the reason why I support a hard Brexit. I do that because of… other things.

“Though he’s right about it attracting women.”