Schools Deserted

BRITAIN’S schools stood empty today, apart from 440,000 joyful teachers swinging tube socks filled with two-pence pieces.

As a jury rubber-stamped the explosive violence lurking just below the surface of an entire profession, teachers across the country said it was like getting another 14 weeks of holiday entitlement, but with much more screaming.

The teaching unions have now issued each of their members with a large photograph of acquitted teacher Peter Harvey and advised them to frame it and hang it above the blackboard.

A spokesman for the National Association of Schoolmasters and Women Teachers said: “This is what we call a ‘game changer’.”

He added: “Hello children, today’s word is ‘precedent’. Can you use it in a sentence?”

Meanwhile, Helen Archer, a chemistry teacher from Hatfield with two tube socks and a bike chain, said: “Where are they? Where are they? It’s alright, I can wait. I can wait forever.”

Tom Logan, an English teacher from Peterborough who has been called an ‘arse bandit’ 800 times this year, added: “In its wisdom the British judicial system has handed me a massive blank cheque.

“I intend to fill it in and then quietly and methodically cash the absolute fucking shit out of it.”

Julian Cook, a geography teacher form York, arrived early this morning carrying Jenny, his favourite cricket bat.

He said: “I am going to introduce Jenny to Kyle Stephenson in 4C. She’s going to be his new girlfriend and she’s going to go all the way…

“I’m ever so depressed.”


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Brown And Clegg In Synchronised Larry Grayson Tribute

DAVID Cameron moved a step closer to Downing Street last night after Gordon Brown and Nick Clegg’s ill-judged tribute to Larry Grayson.

Polls immediately after the final leaders debate gave the Tory leader a clear victory while his opponents were left to question the tactical wisdom of their symbolic homage to late Generation Game frontman.

In an angry debate, Mr Clegg was forced to defend his plans to put VAT on new homes, join the Euro and grant an amnesty to thousands of illegal Isla St Clairs.

Pledging to invest in Britain’s manufacturing industries, he added: “This country needs to get back to making things. Hideous, deformed things on a potter’s wheel that is clearly beyond our control.”

But the Lib Dem leader seemed less assured than in the previous debates and after 30 minutes resorted to interrupting Mr Cameron by exclaiming ‘shut that door’ whenever the Tory leader was in full flow.

Meanwhile, a visibly fucked Mr Brown attempted to move on from the controversy surrounding his burning hatred for elderly widows, but admitted: “Yesterday was not a gay day for me.

“But I know how to remember all the things on the conveyor belt, in good times and bad. Of course, there will be cuddly toys and fondue sets, but anyone can remember those.

“I will also remember the 24 piece dinner service, the radio cassette player and the xylophone. This is not a time to take a risk with someone who won’t be able to remember the xylophone.”

He added: “Nick Clegg seems like a nice boy. But I am the one who is fancy.”

In his closing remarks Mr Cameron insisted: “This is not a time for shutting doors, unless there happens to be a foreign gentleman waiting patiently on the front step with his 14 children and his great uncle Ahmed.”

He added: “I want every family in this country to have the chance to guess what the survey says. Opportunity is knocking, it is time to open that door, play our cards right and create a great society where even our pets can win prizes.”