Liverpool To Replace Gerrard With Petri Dish

RAFAEL Benitez planned for Liverpool’s future yesterday by buying a petri dish full of human DNA for £2m.

The Romford-replicated nucleic acid has impressed scouts recently by spreading across his dish in record time, and Benitez feels that without a set of genitals it will have a far more stable home life than Gerrard.

Benitez said; “We’ve been tracking the petri dish since it was just a collection of sand and algae, and despite telling it that Phil Collins was banned from the Liverpool dressing room it’s never tried to punch anyone in the face, which is promising.”

The petri dish said: “Despite being a loose collection of amino acids I think I’m already more resilient than Aquilani and better-looking than Kuyt.

“I know the Premiership is a big step up from a genetic research lab but I think if I keep my head down, when I eventually develop one, and really work on improving my mitochondrial shooting skills, one day I could replace Gerrard as the Liverpool player that runs around a lot but never really achieves much.”

Charlie Reeves, head of the LFC supporter’s club, said: “Spending millions on raw lumps of protoplasm shows there’s no end to Benitez’s innovation when it comes to toeing this club right up the shit-hole.

“Although a static piece of laboratory equipment might be more mobile than Carragher, this is probably his most ingenious brainfart since suggesting the player’s boots should have the studs on the inside.”

But Benitez denied sabotage ahead of an anticipated move abroad this summer after several continental clubs completely lost their collective minds, adding: “If I really wanted to ruin this club I would open the cellar door below the Kop End and let loose Doudot, the ravenous stadium-eating mongoose of Mars. Bong!”

 

Asda Guarantees Its Customers Will Be Uglier Than You

SUPERMARKET giant Asda has launched a new campaign pledging to maintain the least attractive customer base in Britain.

The store has guaranteed that reasonably normal-looking shoppers will never have to feel genetically inferior to at least 87% of its regulars.

Asda marketing director, Julian Cook, said: “We’re actually coaxing particularly unappealing members of the public in with free buns, ensuring that after every visit you’ll walk through the exit feeling like the belle of the ball.

“Compare that to Waitrose, where you’re like desperate, half-dead pond life next to the perfectly-proportioned middle class families with their magnificent shoes and their shiny skin and their flowing, lustrous hair.”

The repugnance of the Asda-dwellers has been independently verified by experts from Centre for Faces at Reading University. Professor Nikki Hollis said: “Although it’s hard to be scientific about these things, it’s not really.

“The Asdas we visited contained genuinely unfortunate-looking people who smelled of horse sweat and stale peaches – the types who consider teeth to be a luxury item.

“We saw tracksuits rotted away at the crotch, draggy limbs and chipped, ill-fitting glass eyes. Then you’ve got the plain strange, like the bald old woman with a pine marten on a length of string, who was racially abusing a jar of pesto in Spanish.

“Certainly they were a more motley bunch than you’d get in Tesco or even Morrison’s and we left feeling like we were, comparatively, dripping with sex.”

She added: ‘”And do try the custard doughnuts, they’re very good.”