Scotland unveils 'Birthplace of F*cking' slogan


SCOTLAND is capitalising on being the site of the first act of copulation with a new slogan and flag.

Fossil evidence has shown a fish called Microbrachius dicki, whose name is still used as an insult in Glasgow, invented intercourse more than 385 million years ago in a Scottish loch.

Scotland Secretary Alistair Carmichael said: “Scotland has always been one of the world’s sexiest countries, and now we know why.

“The rebranding will replace the cross on the Saltire with a stylised representation of those two fish boning each other Devonian-style, over the Latin ‘Patriam stupri’.

“The Trossachs National Park will become a major sex-themed attraction taking visitors from the prehistoric moment when it first went in to a live erotic version of the Highland games.

“Anyone who isn’t satisfied by all that can then wander around in the sexually charged rain while sucking on some butter tablet, the world’s most sensual snack.”

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Government cracks down on internet sarcasm

THE government has announced tough new penalties for individuals using sarcasm online.

Ministers said that people are deliberately say one thing while meaning another in n a way that is designed to cause annoyance and humiliation.

Prime minister David Cameron highlighted his own experience on Twitter when user Fangtastic71 posted the comment ‘I like your face its cool’ on his feed.

“I replied ‘thanks’ only for this person to respond ‘Not really you fucking Tory bell end’.

“The cruellest aspect of this behaviour is how he made me feel good then stung me, like a scorpion whose sting is made of words.”

Anyone using sarcasm on social media now faces a maximum eight year prison sentence, depending on whether it was mild irony or flat-out piss taking.