Scouts 'still seem a bit weird'

SCIENTISTS have confirmed that the whole Scouting movement is apparently fine while still looking very weird.

Research has shown that Scouts, along with Cubs, Brownies and all the rest, are actually doing perfectly healthy, educational activities and only look like an unsmiling junior fascist movement.

Researcher Eleanor Shaw said: “Despite appearances, they’re not up to anything. Honestly, we checked.

“They make paper aeroplanes, they go camping occasionally, they’re given badges for doing perfectly ordinary everyday things. It isn’t weird. It really isn’t.

“I mean, unless there’s some kind of Manchurian Candidate thing going on and they’re hypnotised to take over Britain in house-to-house death squads, and they’re not. Probably not.”

52-year-old former scout Roy Hobbs said: “It’s all good, clean fun, though when I did Bob-a-Job in the 70s we were asked to kill a man and hide his body where it would never be found.

“Well, we had to do it. It’s the Scout code. And we only got 20p.”

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Estate agents sure everyone will be nice to them on their way down

ESTATE agents facing falling profits are confident everyone will be as kind to them on their way down as they have been to others on their way up. 

Following news that London agency Foxtons’ profits have gone down by 64 per cent, estate agents around the country are planning to call in the many favours they are owed by grateful customers.

Nathan Muir of Croydon said: “Looks like the ride’s over. Glad I put so much goodwill in the bank.

“I’ve got a network of friends – they’re not clients, not to me – around the whole city, and every one of them would be delighted to see me at the door.

“They know I worked as hard as I could on their behalf, never adding unnecessary or disproportionate charges, my only thoughts of how I could benefit them. They won’t forget.

“That’s the wonderful thing about working in property. You give so much. Now it’s time to take just a little of that love back.”

Muir was later found hanging upside down from a lamppost with a ‘Death to Profiteers’ sign hung around his neck.