Theresa May spends holiday planning next disaster

THE prime minister is spending her three-week walking holiday trying to come up with something even more ruinous than her last terrible idea. 

May, who came up with her plan to destabilise the UK government at a point of international crisis while walking in Wales, is apparently hoping the Swiss Alps will inspire her next almighty clusterfuck.

Political commentator Joseph Turner said: “A week in Wales would bore anyone, but most people would deal with that by drinking and picking petty fights with their partner, rather than deciding to call an ill-advised election and embarking on a long, slow political suicide.

“The Alps are a bit more exciting than Snowdonia, but three weeks is a long time. Once she’s bored of Toblerone, who knows what mad shit she’ll come up with next.

“War with Finland, banning trees, mind-melding with the Queen. Behind that slightly gritted smile, the well-oiled wheels of chaos are beginning to turn in her mind. Fear what emerges.”

Turner added: “Of course, the real terror is that she’ll resign, leaving us facing an autumn of Jacob Rees-Mogg and Boris Johnson fighting it out to be prime minister.

“And the living will envy the dead.”

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Britain remains hopelessly divided over Tiswas and Swap Shop

THE middle-aged are still divided into opposing camps of kids who watched Tiswas and kids who watched Multi-Coloured Swap Shop. 

Despite attempts to mediate and find common ground between the two, anyone aged between 40 and 50 can tell instantly whether peers are Tiswas or Swap Shop and befriend or shun them accordingly.

Stephen Malley of Watford said: “Tiswas? Anarchic, fun-loving, unafraid to break rules. My kind of people.

“Swap Shop? Self-righteous, parsimonious bores who get nervous if they’re not being patronised by someone in authority. I won’t employ them, I won’t live next to them, and they’re without doubt unimaginative lovers.

“Sally James or Maggie Philbin? Come on. Some choices are who you are.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The bitter cultural sectarian divide between nasty, bubblegum-chewing louts who laugh at gunge tanks and stuck-up swots delighted by the clever joke of Posh Paws’s name is deeper than ever.

“This is more fundamental than Labour versus Tory, Leave versus Remain, IRA versus UDA. This is a generation polarised by their Saturday morning choices, their differences unreconcilable for life.”

Brubaker added: “Lenny Henry was on Tiswas. What did you sad fucks have? John Craven?”