Screaming baby just saying what everyone's thinking

A SCREAMING baby is just saying what everyone is thinking, it has been confirmed.

Tiny infant Francesca Johnson’s ungodly howl has been met with nods of agreement from all the adults within earshot.

Johnson’s aunt Nikki Hollis said: “As soon as she started making that ear-splitting shriek I was like ‘yes’. My car needs petrol but I can’t be arsed putting any in, I work like a dog every day just to make some bastards richer and I have one of those bits of nail that keeps getting caught on my sleeve.

“She’s got it spot on.”

Family friend Stephen Malley said: “It’s Tuesday, it’s raining and there’s that sense of ennui that you can’t put into words. It’s such a relief to hear it expressed.

“It’s been on the tip of my tongue for the last 23 years.”

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Success based on knowing when to be a twat

WORKPLACE success is largely based on picking the right moment to be a twat, a new study has found.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Gandhi, Mary Berry, Attila the Hun – all of them were twats at some point, although clearly some were twats on a more regular basis.

“The key to making it in your chosen field is not avoiding being a twat, but rationing your twatty behaviour for maximum effect.

“For example, if someone’s used your ‘special mug’ and not even put it in the office dishwasher, don’t send a moody all-staff email because that’s a waste of your twattery ration.

“Wait until an arch-rival is doing a presentation then say ‘fucking wank’ while pretending to cough.

“The political gains are massive and the company can’t sack you if you have otherwise not been a twat.”

He added: “The larger issue is our definition of success. Is having a massive office but working till nine every night really better than just eating berries and nuts and staring at the sky?”