Selfish a*sehole has December birthday

A MAN born in December has been labelled a “selfish a*sehole” by friends, who are forced to celebrate his birthday at the busiest time of year.

Martin Bishop’s mates face a gruelling night out in the same week as their work Christmas do, several boozy lunches and the family Secret Santa draw.

Friend Tom Booker said: “Why can’t he just have a birthday in the other 11 months of the year, like a normal person? 

“It’s totally unreasonable to expect us to make time for his celebrations while we’re pouring all our energy into hangovers and important cultural events like sampling the complete Pret Christmas menu.

“The whole thing could be avoided if people were banned from having sex in March to stop any more December babies.”

Birthday boy Bishop, 35, said: “My family and friends are fine with celebrating Jesus’s birthday for a whole bl**dy month. All I ask for is a few hours and not being given a combined birthday and Christmas gift.”

Bishop was last seen crying into a mince pie he was given instead of a birthday cake, for the 35th year running.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Five questions that need answering about James Bond

WITH the 25th James Bond film on the way, certain awkward questions about the long-running franchise really need answering. Here they are.

How does Bond dump women without a horrible row? 

Bond has not only had sex with them, but also shared bonding experiences. It’s hard to believe Pussy Galore would take being dumped lightly, and at the very least would pour paint on his Aston Martin.

How much training do you need to be 007?

It’s fine that Bond is a good driver and marksman, but how long would it also take to learn: fencing, flying a plane, flying a helicopter, all card/casino games, scuba diving, numerous technology skills and martial arts – all while becoming an expert on alcoholic drinks?

Does he get confused by people changing their appearance?

Bond continuity is a massive dog’s dinner, even if 007 is a codename for different spies. All you can really do is ignore it, unless Bond is going to have a deeply awkward conversation with Felix Leiter, asking “When did you become black?”.

Is world domination really worth it? 

The overheads of running a secret base in a volcano must be crippling, and it just attracts attention from Bond, the CIA and attractive women you’ve wronged. Blofeld et al could simply set up something equally lucrative like Just Eat. 

Does he have erection problems?

Bond is a heavy drinker and most blokes would find it hard to get it up after stressful experiences like almost being killed in space. Even with Moonraker character Dr Holly Goodhead. Not to mention her very distracting name.