Saturday, 8th May 2021

Six reasons to thank f**k for Princess Anne

THE ROYAL family has gone to sh*t but the Princess Royal is actually alright. Here’s why: 

She can’t be ars*d with Trump

It might be nothing personal. Having met a minimum of ten presidents, they’re as interchangeable to her as Starbucks baristas to us. But it’s equally likely she can see straight through the orange gobsh*te.

She still gets told off by her mum

Aged 69 but still boll*cked by a 93-year-old, Anne is all of us at Christmas being told that we’ve never been able to draw curtains properly. This year, when you’re being nagged for still smoking, think of Princess Anne, light a big cigar and ignore.

Her Christmas speech would rock

No vague platitude for Anne. Instead, she’d list all the different pricks she’s had no time for over the last year, including members of her own family, then tell us all to get our bloody fingers out and do some charity work like she does.

She has magnificent hair

No other member of the Royal family has even managed an attempt at a hairstyle. The Queen has a signature headscarf, for God’s sake. Then in strolls the Princess Royal with a magnificent 50s Teddy Boy bouffant, sneering at Kate’s apologetic Home Counties do before kicking a jukebox.

Her kids aren’t Royal

There is no firmer way to say ‘this whole thing is bullsh*t’ than to make sure your own kids are well out of it, as Anne has. Both kids work, Zara has won medals and married a rugby player, neither seems to have any desire to be Eugenie or the other one.

She killed a kidnapper with her bare hands

Perhaps a slight exaggeration. But imagine if they’d tried to kidnap Charles. He’d have been led meekly away while asking the kidnapper if he could interest him in organic farming. At least Anne had the good sense not to be keen.